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Array
(
[sid] => 20661
[catid] => 1
[aid] => Mick
[title] => Eighteen
[time] => 2003-07-19 07:05:00
[hometext] => I wrote this when I turned eighteen.
[bodytext] => It's like looking into an adult's closet and I am once again the little girl that liked to play dress-up. Seeing those pretty scarves, the high heels, the red lipstick, the big lawn hats and trying them on, deciding that I want to be as beautiful, as powerful and omniscient as every adult seemed to be when I was so many feet and years shorter. It's like standing at the edge of a pool filled with clear blue water. Temptation is pulling me in but I try to hold off from the delicious beauty. Will it be hot or cold? Indecision grips me as I slowly bring my big toe to the water. Should I prolong the agony and fear or just jump in and get it over with? Is testing the water going to be normal forever? Will it always feel like such a big deal? I try to imagine myself in twenty years. Where will I be? What will I be doing? Will I be a psyhcologist, a writer, in jail? In a house or on the street? Married? Divorced? Kids running around? Miscarriages? Will I be wise from my life or will I be an addict trying to cover up my suffering and only making it worse? I can't see it. I'm too scared. I don't know what the future brings and with that uncertainty comes apprehension. I'm worried that I'll fail. I have so many choices and I'm so capable of screwing them all up. I have to prove some people wrong and other people right because thats what THEY want. What do I want? I don't want to be stuck in a rut for the rest of my life. I want options and a secure future, but as of right now I can't take care of myself and everyone tells me it'll only get harder. How do I know that I'm not doing something wrong already? Is there a book of rules to life laying around somewhere? So many people tell so many different stories...How do I know which one will be mine? It seems like every day I become more stupid. I make stupid choices and give in to the wants, rather than the needs. What does it matter if I don't have someone to love? My priorities should be my education and laundry. Yet it feels too empty, too flat for me to be happy. But am I supposed to be hardworking and initiative or careless and overjoyed at the prospect of a life without parents? I am now officially an adult. I have all these new rules and fears and freedoms. Old responsibilities get away from me while new responsibilities fly at me in every direction. I can do all these new things that I've never done before and I'm scared. [comments] => 1 [counter] => 154 [topic] => 48 [informant] => pooieschmoooie [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => EmotionalPoetry )
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