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Array
(
[sid] => 20022
[catid] => 1
[aid] => Mick
[title] => I go to far
[time] => 2003-07-06 11:05:00
[hometext] => Author's Notes: This is a terrible thing, but I need to express myself. I respect and accept all comments.
[bodytext] => Too bad that I almost always alienate everyone that I meet. May have had some good friends and confidants had I not spoken.
Should have been born a deaf girl and then maybe things would have worked out better for me. I say, "Wow, what a fat lady," And that is not necessarily the worst thing you can say, considering I am talking of the enormous clientele who is very abrasive and also a tad rude and also to large to ride this ride. The comment was wrong on a deeper level because I spoke it to a coworker who is also large, much larger than the client, abrasive and a tad rude. I realize too late having already spoken the comment and the girl is frowning not knowing what to say and not being her usual rude, fat, abrasive self. A personality that I liked on her, she was comical and I do believe we got along up until that moment. Now, I may be wrong because not only am I amoral and stupid, I am also paranoid but, I swear she talks about me to our other fellow ride attendants and they are all part of an alliance of sorts that hates me because I am rude and stupid, not necessary in that order. A thing that bothers me more however is that after seeing how I might have wounded this girl (Not knowing if she was wounded for sure, she hides her feelings well) I continued on with my verbal demise, ensuring that she hate my guts once it was over. Moving from a small and possibly dismissive comment like "Wow, what a fat lady..." I began to go onto a short spew about how people that fat shouldn't be allowed on the rides and even so that people that fat shouldn't be allowed outside their homes forcing thinner people (And I really said this) Like myself, to have to look at them. In no way are these views mine at all. My mouth was moving and I was too Aware of her. Words just kept flowing out, all the while the girl now seeming less and less the comedy I had known before that day and more and more a sad case. She didn't say anything, she kept on with her job but, I know she will mention it to the forming group of Anti-ALH'ers and they will plan ways to get me fired. Shouldn't be too hard since I am certain most of management is already fed up with me after only two weeks. My feelings are terrible. I feel terrible and what is worse is I don't care about my chubby coworker, her feelings are alien to me even though she was a terrific personality. I am only feeling terrible and sorry for myself. The worst human being to ever live? Oh Christ! Now I feel worse for myself... Note to Self~ Stop asking rhetorical questions that are only going to make you spiral deeper into self-loathing/pity (It's a toss up) and make you more of a shallow uncaring *****. [comments] => 4 [counter] => 152 [topic] => 48 [informant] => Alisialynn [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => EmotionalPoetry )
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