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Array
(
[sid] => 20021
[catid] => 1
[aid] => Mick
[title] => Just Words On Paper
[time] => 2003-07-06 10:35:00
[hometext] => I am a Terrible Person.
[bodytext] => For just one day I want to know what it feels like. Success. I have never known you. Introduce yourself to me. God grant me a wish. I want a new life.
I swear I am going to kill myself If I can work up the energy to get off the couch I will do it Someone please rescue me and deliver me to happiness Happiness, I don't know you either. Please somebody love me and take me where there is unending happiness and joy whom I don't know either Success, Suicide, Happiness and Joy. Suicide. Suicide. I don't know you. Because I don't know myself Nobody ever said go for it. No nudges in the correct direction. My life is *****. And I have no one talk to about it. Who am I if no one understands me? Who am I if such is my life? Who am I if not an unsuccessful person, with no future here? Do you know me, You think you do? You don't. My mind is intricate in ways I cannot fully understand. This world is unbearable. No potential here, just a lazy corrupt girl. And whether or not you want to believe it this is what I am A girl A mere child Not a success To Lazy for Suicide Unhappy and Joyless Even in my child, who talks exceptionally and whom is innocent I cannot raise her I cannot take care of her I cannot take care of myself She is crying now and I pretend not to hear I can't do this any longer. Can I run away? If I just left, what would the harm be? I need freedom. I want to know what it feels like to be somebody else. I want to be nineteen. I want to have buckets of friends and money and pending success. I want to live. I want to live in the real world. I want to feel saltwater on my skin and piping hot sand I want to dance with a glass of chardonnay I want to kiss a class act I want to be surrounded by sunshine and when that sun goes down I want to be there watching it disappear along the horizon. I want to be a look out and when I look out I want to see nothing but, ocean and when I turn around I want to see an island, a peaceful paradise and I want to live there in complete freedom. I am slave to my dreams and I cannot take it much longer No, I cannot diagnose myself, I know I am neurotic sometimes but, mostly I am a dreamer It is sad for a dreamer to be an underachiever. To be a nobody who cannot stop her mind from wishing she was Somebody. A no body who says and does Evil things, A no body who still curses God and the World because I swear they owe me something. Things could have been different, right from the start. I can only blame the world because my heart feels heavy blaming anyone else. Including myself.. Worse is when I blame she that I brought into the world. I look at her and my heart swells with love but, I still wish that my life had taken a different path. She is destined to repeat my mistakes and I can't....No I won't do anything about it I am a defeated, sad person. And I suck at life. Please someone save me to save her and our future generations. I am begging now for a miracle. Change me over. I want God but, I don't reach out to him for fear he doesn't exist or he will tell me what I already know. There is no help for me except what I do for myself and I haven't any skills. So what do I do now? Do you really want to know? It is disgusting and so true of my nature. I roll over and except defeat. It is suicide or a lifetime of wishing I was dead. Either way is the same and I am in no rush to jump. [comments] => 2 [counter] => 169 [topic] => 48 [informant] => Alisialynn [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => EmotionalPoetry )
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