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Array
(
[sid] => 173747
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Seventeen years of life.
[time] => 2012-09-04 06:53:08
[hometext] => Life hasn't always been easy. It's like they say
[bodytext] => As a little girl you'd never expect the things that happened to happen. A life hidden behind a fake smile. I look back at everything that's happen, I know it's been a while. 2004 I was just in year four, a young girl not much older then 7. Hidden for years, I told no one of my terrified fears. A girl, a friend, she crossed the line. Felt by another girl I was scared everyday just to go back to that school. More to the story I bare to say. A childhood so messy one I'd not wish upon for no other. 2005-2006 anorexia, made to get watched to eat, months in hospital drips & needels fill my flesh. Take a look at my story, you can only take one guess. What comes next? 2007 diagnosed with major depression & angexity. A constant darkness, a fear of the world all this inside that tall shy girl. 2007 was the worst by far, suicide and not just by her. By her blood and flesh to. Father why, I never forget the flashing and the sirens of the blue & red lights. Police knocking, banging on the door. Dad taken I'm slowly becoming deeply broken. Seeing mum cry like never before. I run to my brothers tell them dads dying, to tell them something like that all I'm doing is crying. Months of rehab, dads released. Never been the same, dad & I we don't speak. Speak of our problem, our mental disease. It never goes, I have urged to just let it all go. Give up? Take the easy way out. No pain, nothing here for me to gain. Been through many stages in my life. Cutting wrists, choking till blue, cut all friends off, darkened from the world. Immortal to this world. I'm a mister in a human form. 2011 the year my best friend died... Drowning from a simple plea of fun. Hearing the trumatisation of how it all happened, knowing i was near by meters i could have saved. Water was always a fear. It was close to a year id never step foot in a pool, go to the beach with all the mates. Afraid, nights went from sleeping to pools of tears, writing & botteling up more things then just fears. skipping classes, like I'm too cool for school. Boys, ruining my life. A game, a fool, they took me as I am. Changed for them to like me. I'd be the girl in truly not. Met a boy, we fought more then alot. Changed my life more then what he'll ever really know. I changed, I wasn't the girl everyone used to love. I broke my family, I broke myself. Don't feel sorry... I know, I brought it all upon my own. It was only because my history and my constant bring alone. Mum in tears, dad not knowing what to do. Mum tells her story, the tears of ice rolled down my soft rose red cheeks. Attacked, raped. My own mother, by someone people expect me to call family. No. ****** no. Years after years she told but no one ever listened, not even her own mother, my nan she didn't believe. This man I see today, he releases the anger beneath my skin, the terror in my veins. The fury that lies beneath. A man to walk daily like nothing could ever be wrong, a pedophile waiting for its next victim. 1995 I was born that was the day he wanted me in his mutilated cold hands. 2012 I see the man who put the terror in my mothers eyes. I set eyes on the man, I want to kill him. Murdered, have the blood on my hands. It urges in my flesh. An adrenaline to want to kill. A girl with this anger, I know should not be there. But for my mother I'll always care. It's 2012 I'm still that shy hidden girl, a few changes here and there. But to be someone I'm not I wouldn't dare. My life isn't the usual, I live it day by day. For my friends and boyfriend Its just a constant care. Yes I'm hidden, I'm long gone past broken. I'm in-fixable. I I could make history, mostly because I am like a mystery. I've never expected to be here long. Not one to fight i should be the one to walk into the bright light. Watching people die around me, I still wish for the burning on my skin. The ashes in my urn. Scattered across the seas then finally I could just for once maybe feel free. It's all I ask, just my one and only simple plea. My story isn't filled with detail. Maybe one day I'll sit with you, and go tell you my tale. I'm still here today, still fighting deep dark and grey. As I write these words I can't begin to explain. To share with you, I can no other person close near. Again it's just another fear. No one knows emotion hidden inside my bones. They see me strong, they look to me. But what they don't know, is everyday I still wish I weren't here. [comments] => 3 [counter] => 281 [topic] => 21 [informant] => LauranHyde [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => Lifepoems )
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