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Ocean of Depression
Contributed by
mystical_illusion
on
Tuesday, 6th May 2003 @ 02:35:00 AM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
Okay, well I didn’t know which 'topic' place to put this under so yeah. Today was an horrid day, and I scribbled this down. It's rather choppy...Haven’t been able to write anything for awhile, any constructive criticism would be appreciated...
Ocean of Depression
A strong wave of depression hits hard,
Quickly washing all happiness away.
The previously calm waters, abruptly turn hazardous,
with a raging sky, hopeless and grey.
Swiftly the bitter current pulls me too deep,
Fighting will do no good, It will always win.
A faded shore in the distance, out of reach,
Has been replaced with failures grin.
The angry storm, brewing from above,
Brings a stronger tide,
Slowly I get sucked under,
There is nowhere left to hide.
My body becomes overwhelmingly heavy as the cold water fills,
Drowning within this dark anguish, I quietly die.
My life flashes before my eyes, reminding me- there is nothing worth living for;
and with that, I take my last breath, and mournfully whisper, good-bye.
Copyright ©
mystical_illusion
... [
2003-05-06 02:35:00]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Ocean of Depression
(User Rating: 1 )
by afraid_of_fear on
Wednesday, 4th June 2003 @ 04:38:47 PM AEST
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This is incredible! Strong imagery, i like. No criticism i'm afraid! keep writing it out
x_x_x
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Re: Ocean of Depression
(User Rating: 1 )
by Wrybod on
Wednesday, 11th June 2003 @ 01:42:19 PM AEST
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I think you were going great but You don't need to "introduce" each line, try......
A strong wave of depression hits hard
washes all happiness away
calm waters turn hazardous
raging sky, hopeless, grey
The undercurrent drags me down
pulls deep into bitterness so strong
it will always win
Too far the fading shore
Failure stares me in the face.
The angry storm brewing above
quickens the tide race
dragged down
no escape
the body without hope
sinks like a stone
My life flashes before my eyes
in dark anguish I cry
nothing worth living for
hopeless....I die
My last word.
good......................
Just to give you a few ideas about less can say more. I still think your origional is pretty damned good.
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Re: Ocean of Depression
(User Rating: 1 )
by bobotheclown on
Monday, 16th June 2003 @ 03:39:17 PM AEST
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Hey, Kelly very good you should post more of yer stuff. I can relate to this a lot how the ocean (water) is symbolic of depression. Very good imagery.
Bobo (Joel) |
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Re: Ocean of Depression
(User Rating: 1 )
by vincy on
Monday, 14th July 2003 @ 05:08:03 PM AEST
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You are describing moods as forces of nature
It works brilliantly till halfways through when you
sort of throw the towel up and conclude this poem.
Well this poet is saying rescue this poem it has promise
I think you have here, the makings of a good one.
PS: reminds me of my poem (Fallen angel) cheers, V |
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