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Array
(
[sid] => 166124
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Last Pedal
[time] => 2011-05-02 00:28:58
[hometext] => I dont really know if this is actually poetry, but it came to me one night and was looking for feedback. pardon the lack of proper puncuation.
[bodytext] => As a wake of emotions triggers the nerves of my pride, the tide of my heart remains motionless. Banish this immovable object from its entanglement of the soul that was never there own and watch as they fall from the last pedal of the rose held in false recognition of a love that was never there. Releasing any wavering thoughts of bringing so much as a ripple of injustice, delusion, tyranny or fear to our newly founded Sanctuary.
[comments] => 3
[counter] => 198
[topic] => 43
[informant] => Purge
[notes] =>
[ihome] => 0
[alanguage] => english
[acomm] => 0
[haspoll] => 0
[pollID] => 0
[score] => 0
[ratings] => 0
[editpoem] => 1
[associated] =>
[topicname] => oops
)
Last Pedal
Contributed by
Purge
on
Monday, 2nd May 2011 @ 12:28:58 AM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
As a wake of emotions triggers the nerves of my pride, the tide of my heart remains motionless. Banish this immovable object from its entanglement of the soul that was never there own and watch as they fall from the last pedal of the rose held in false recognition of a love that was never there. Releasing any wavering thoughts of bringing so much as a ripple of injustice, delusion, tyranny or fear to our newly founded Sanctuary.
Copyright ©
Purge
... [
2011-05-02 00:28:58]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Last Pedal
(User Rating: 1 )
by Aspirant on
Monday, 2nd May 2011 @ 02:15:47 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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It's interesting. IMO a bit raw for a finished poem, but would make good material for one. The misspelling of "petal" in the title I found to be a little bothersome. I've written some similar stuff down before, but I always try to refine it before posting.
My advice would be to take a day or two to reflect on this and see if anything else hits you, then consider restructuring it, work out the punctuation, switch a word here and there and see what you end up with. Good luck! |
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Re: Last Pedal
(User Rating: 1 )
by fish on
Monday, 2nd May 2011 @ 12:40:42 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| this is just awesome, great imagery and a beautiful diction. i love it, well done |
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Re: Last Pedal
(User Rating: 1 )
by Florida on
Monday, 2nd May 2011 @ 11:52:25 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| I am a huge stickler for grammar and spelling. It's just in my nature. So it was a little rough to read. Otherwise it was very well done. Try reading it out loud to yourself a few times. It may make sence in your head as you're writing it, but read it outloud like you're reading it to someone. You will then realise what makes sence and where you need puncuation. Your writing has a strong meaning. Branch off and expand your thoughts and get right into detail. Make 2 or 3 rough draft's and see how it goes. I like your creatvity and would like to read more. |
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