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Array
(
[sid] => 165652
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Innocent!
[time] => 2011-04-03 22:43:52
[hometext] => Innocence? Guilt? Insanity? Is Anyone Keeping Score...?
[bodytext] => ..................................... Brain: "Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?" Pinky: "I think so Brain, but if Jimmy cracked corn, and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?" ..................................... I declare this most patiently, Madame and sir, That it wasn't my fault. I quite plainly assure Just how innocent, indeed, One can possibly be. And I am the most Innocent person I see. If it had truly been me Who committed this deed. I'd not hide my guilt. Why, I would quickly concede That I'd been quite a fiend In a most fiendish way. But as you'll soon see, I was too busy today. Why, it could not have been me. I've a witness, I'm certain, Who may have actually Seen me open the curtain, And draw every blind With a fine point Bic pen. No, it could not have been me. I was somewhere else then. Doing something unique As I so often do. Things most ordinary people Never get to. Why, I had so much to do, And I had so little time That it could not have been me Who committed this crime. And so, Madame and Sir, If you'll give me a minute, I'll prove to you, surely, It was not me who did it. I've a rather good story. And all of it's true. So please, please be patient, And I'll share it with you. I was busy today, Very busy, you see. More busy than anyone, Anywhere should possibly be. For I was fixing the roof Where it leaked from the rain. I was painting the house. I was clearing the drain. I spent my day fishing, Which ran far into the night, But the lake was so quiet The trout would not bite. I was walking the dog And then feeding the cat. On days such as this I do things like that. I drove out to the country To make sure it was there. I searched and I searched But could not find it anywhere. So, dissapointed and sour, I made it back into town. And every mailbox I passed, I painted them brown. I was weaving a hat From this basket of straw. It had a band and a bill And not one single flaw. It took me all day And a weekend or two. So those things that I did, I could never do. I was out in the country In a far away land Helping strangers who all Need a strong helping hand. Building bridges and towers And fresh water holes. Oh, I've been to some oddly Strange places that nobody knows. Places so very strange They all sound like a Zee. Places so oddishly-odd And unusually Verbose and redundant, Where they tap all their ties, Where Poppletoff Penguins Do not need a disguise. Where the Matangi Bilby, And the Hei Matau Finch Can co-exist peaceably Without giving an inch. I planted a tree, And then chopped it down. But I've no witness, I'm sure, For there was nobody around. So I painted the doors And I duct-taped the vent. Oh, you've no idea, sir, Just how my day went. So, I folded a table, And what a table it was. Then I folded a chair That went with it, because They both went together, And I hadn't the heart To force my will upon them And keep them apart. I knew you'd understand This from my point of view. It's exactly the reason Why I tell this to you. All that's happened to me, And why I'm so innocent. Yes, I could use some support In all of this mess. I noticed the drapes In the hallway were green, The most obcene kind of green That I've ever seen. And, cautious man that I am, I knew they had to go. And not in a good way, If you mean what I know. I was building a wall Out of old paper plates, Then I sang an old tune That named all fifty states. Of course it is true, Eh, from my point of view. For I was out at the lake Barbequing a steak. I was digging a hole For a very logical bear Who insisted a hole Would never do there. I was teaching the cat How to shampoo the dog. I was building a campfire Out of an old log. I then washed the raisins, And sauteed all the rice. Then set them out nicely In a bowl full of ice. I painted each window A fine shade of black, With a soft trim of purple Set way in the back. But it was so dark in the house And so dismal and gray I couldn't find my way out, And was stuck there all day. I was writing a letter With the e's all left out. Then I decided I knew Absolutely nothing about Einstines theory of something That starts with an R. So I put on my shoes And then gassed up the car. You can trust me, of course. For I never lie. I'm an honorable fellow. And I do not wish to imply Any virulent thought, Fear, plan, or general Ideal. I would like the truth known. I've nothing to conceal. My days are quite busy, I live no man's cliche. So I have no doubt That you'll see things my way. Why, I had so much to do, And I had so little time That it could not have been me Who committed this crime. For I plan things, you see, In a most skillful way. So, quite ahead of my game, I took action today. I went to the market, But I'm not sure what for. So, perhaps that's the reason I went to the store. I repaneled the wall And fixed all of the squeeks. The squeeks from the hinjes That had squeeked for six weeks. Then I taught the Canary To sing baratone. But the Parrots protested, And made it fly home. I was doing the dishes In a far off dish place. I was sweeping the tower. I was washing my face. I could have been golfing. Well, probably not. With the storm coming in It was just too darn hot. And I never liked golfing. Never liked it at all, Wearing those ugly clothes And then chasing a ball. Oh, don't tell me I didn't When I know it's all true. Someone as busy as me Just has so much to do That it could not have been me For I haven't the time To flitter your feathers And commit such a crime. Now you can understand My vast innocence, true. So, I'll rest my case, And bid you adieu. Copyright © 2011 R. D. Remler All Rights Reserved [comments] => 1 [counter] => 198 [topic] => 7 [informant] => NightOwl61 [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => HumorPoetry )
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