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Array
(
[sid] => 163963
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => A Broken Heart
[time] => 2010-12-28 18:36:33
[hometext] => I have never wrote a poem before. So if anyone has any suggestions they can give me, I'm open for any criticism. But not to harsh.... Because this did come from the heart and I just wrote it down. Thank You
[bodytext] => I’m so in love with you, that it makes my heart so blue. When I cry, it’s hard to breath. Because it’s hard for me to watch you leave. I'm as blue, as the clouds are Grey. I wish things would get worked out so you could stay. My heart is broken, in little pieces. Oh God Please grant me all my wishes. So this broken heart could heal...As the sadness fills my heart, I know I have to let you go. If your love for me is so, you can find a way to mend the hole that you have made in my heart and soul. As tears roll down my face, my gut says let you go, but my heart says stay.
[comments] => 2
[counter] => 110
[topic] => 22
[informant] => BrokenHeartLady
[notes] =>
[ihome] => 0
[alanguage] => english
[acomm] => 0
[haspoll] => 0
[pollID] => 0
[score] => 0
[ratings] => 0
[editpoem] => 1
[associated] =>
[topicname] => LostLove
)
A Broken Heart
Contributed by
BrokenHeartLady
on
Tuesday, 28th December 2010 @ 06:36:33 PM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
I’m so in love with you, that it makes my heart so blue. When I cry, it’s hard to breath. Because it’s hard for me to watch you leave. I'm as blue, as the clouds are Grey. I wish things would get worked out so you could stay. My heart is broken, in little pieces. Oh God Please grant me all my wishes. So this broken heart could heal...As the sadness fills my heart, I know I have to let you go. If your love for me is so, you can find a way to mend the hole that you have made in my heart and soul. As tears roll down my face, my gut says let you go, but my heart says stay.
Copyright ©
BrokenHeartLady
... [
2010-12-28 18:36:33]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: A Broken Heart
(User Rating: 1 )
by deusdeira on
Wednesday, 29th December 2010 @ 04:18:37 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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You actually did a pretty good job :). Your rhymes are sound, it has a story and a meaning. It describes how you feel and portrays emotion. I would say the only thing you need to change really is to put it into stanzas and lines. Reading a paragraph can make a person's eyes sore. :)
ex:
"I'm so in love with you,
that it makes my heart so blue,
When I cry it's hard to breath,
because it's hard for me to watch you leave,"
If you are a perfectionist, you could also try to match the number of syllables in every line.
ex:
There was a man from nantucket,
who lost himself in a bucket.
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Re: A Broken Heart
(User Rating: 1 )
by iodinelove on
Wednesday, 29th December 2010 @ 09:09:16 PM AEST
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a Message)
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deusdeira pretty much said it all; however, I will play the devils advocate (kind of). I say, you should challenge yourself. You said it came from the heart...that's good, but you need to write from the heart and mind both.
I have one that I wrote the other night that is a pure bloody mess because i wrote it straight from my feelings at the time, allowing little thought to breach the flow of the words.
Where raw emotion is good, you need to make better word choices. Simplicity is important, but you need to put your voice into it.
In any case, i thought it was good for a first ( i don't even remember mine anymore ^_^ )
keep writing
always, abraham |
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