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Array
(
[sid] => 162609
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => I just can't do it anymore
[time] => 2010-10-02 23:43:16
[hometext] => I just ended a 5-yr relationship with a man who was once my fiance...I am pretty broken.
[bodytext] => I just can’t do it anymore I have been through it all The girlfriend, the wife, the step-mom, the ex-wife, the girlfriend, the fiancé, the ex-fiance, the ex-girlfriend When does it end? Cooking, cleaning, watching ball games, throwing parties, loving, caring, independent, smart, and putting up with so much crap from the other end. I want it to all go away. The hurt, the heartache, the depression, the misery. Oh and on top of that, my father is closer and closer everyday to dying. Things he can control…just like all the other men in my life…doing things to themselves and the ones they supposedly love…things that hurt, things they can control. I was never ‘officially’ the girlfriend, or the fiancé or anything else. Because all the while that I was giving 150% of me…I was only receiving 70% from the other end. With all of them. Some were even less than 70%...but that’s the most I got was the 70%...never 100. And the 70% guy (not man) was still giving his other 30% to other women, to old relationships, to ‘friends’ that knew nothing about me or the love that I thought existed in my life – for my entire relationship. So I called us ‘official’ but really, there was nothing legit about the monogamy that I thought was there. Cheating, receiving and sending photos with minimal to no clothing, telling others you love them…want to be with them…sorry you don’t have the chance to make them happy…to make them yours. When the entire time…I was supposed to be yours. The phone calls, emails, text messages, nothing ever stopped when you made us ‘official’. So…what does ‘official’ really mean? So now I have to sit back and wait for a few more months. A few more months of having you close, but not in my life. Of knowing you are making new ‘friends’ and sharing yourself physically, emotionally and mentally with these other ‘friends’. You will deceive them too, the same way you deceived me. Telling them you love them when you don’t, telling them you want to be with them when you don’t. I am broken, and nothing is fixing it. Not alcohol, not church, not prayer, not family, not friends…shoot, I can’t even be around my friends from here. Seeing them and being around them…I feel humiliated. I feel like everyone feels sorry for little ol’ me who was duped into thinking that this was it…that this was forever, that this really meant something. Everything was a waste. Waste of time, money, feelings, everything I gave was a waste. Now I am left with nothing. Just trying to move forward, one day at a time…just trying to make the ‘best of a bad situation’. I feel insignificant, like I don’t really matter, like I can just be tossed to the side and forgotten about. Like all I give is being used up, chewed up and spit back out…only for him to move on to the next one. To make someone else feel on top of the world…so he can crush them too, while he is still crushing me. ‘Oh she’s so strong, she’ll make it through, she is a great woman and he is making a mistake’. So why does everyone else see this strength in me that I don’t see, why do they see this ‘greatness’ that I don’t feel exists…and it must not, because he doesn’t see it. Lumps in my throat everyday…tears more often than not…I can’t stop crying, I can’t stop the pain, I can’t stop the tears. I am broken, and nothing is fixing me. Nothing. [comments] => 3 [counter] => 162 [topic] => 32 [informant] => Broken2010 [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 6 [ratings] => 2 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => SadPoetry )
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