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Array ( [sid] => 162511 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => desperation taken over with pretension [time] => 2010-09-27 20:23:33 [hometext] => i've been up all week trying to write lyrics for my music but found it increasingly difficult, so i figured i should forget about any sense of structure and just let it flow. constructive critisizm mandatory. [bodytext] => i see what you're looking for. your attempt to conceptualize the ice in my retinas. the things these eyes have seen exist in only the darkest of tormented corners. the colors they register would never even be comprehended in the most vivid ken kesey sunrise.
you strive for a glance inside my world when you know you wouldn't even make it through my doorway. and i know that you would bleed upon entry. [comments] => 2 [counter] => 227 [topic] => 59 [informant] => dypsomaniac [notes] => Edited per request in Poem Edit and Deletion Requests Moderator_18 Sep 28, 2010 [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 4 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => psychoticpoems )

desperation taken over with pretension

Contributed by dypsomaniac on Monday, 27th September 2010 @ 08:23:33 PM in AEST
Topic: psychoticpoems

i see what you're looking for. your attempt to conceptualize the ice in my retinas. the things these eyes have seen exist in only the darkest of tormented corners. the colors they register would never even be comprehended in the most vivid ken kesey sunrise.
you strive for a glance inside my world when you know you wouldn't even make it through my doorway. and i know that you would bleed upon entry.

Copyright © dypsomaniac ... [ 2010-09-27 20:23:33]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: desperation taken over with pretension (User Rating: 1 )
by iodinelove on Monday, 27th September 2010 @ 10:10:04 PM AEST
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I like it. I don't see it going well with music. it's nice enough in tone...not nice at all obviously, but...

I'm not sure about

ken casey sunrise.

I can't figure out if it's supposed to be ken, or keen...are you using slang? If you are, you should make a note of it for we who are American. I have a cousin in Glasgow who once told me our bread was deary. Oh, ok...it's good then...

you see?

oh, you might want to avoid telling people that something is mandatory unless you are willing to pay them. not just here...in life in general...

Re: desperation taken over with pretension (User Rating: 1 )
by shelby on Monday, 27th September 2010 @ 10:35:52 PM AEST
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I will agree I also was taken a back with the line Ken casey sunrise?

It is a short write but what I read I do like.
The end line and I know you would bleed upon entry..... that is raw and powerful to me.

Michelle

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