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Array ( [sid] => 16225 [catid] => 1 [aid] => Mick [title] => Exhaustion [time] => 2003-04-19 09:35:00 [hometext] => Hey, i want feedback on this poem, tell me what u like, what i could do better, or if u just don't like it, lol. [bodytext] => Exhaust washes in a wave over me
Making it difficult for me to even breathe
Closing my eyes involuntarily
Praying I may never wake again

I try to listen, but your voice just fades away
My mind wanders to a wonderful place
A land where I can run and laugh and play
Instead of being trapped in here with you

All consciousness is leaving me fast
It seems you’ve finally got me beat at last
The life on the other side of that door is vast
But I can’t quite reach the handle

The darkness surrounds me, may it never leave again
It pours into my very soul, calming me within
In it I feel more secure than I’ve ever been
May I sleep forever, may you burn in hell. [comments] => 8 [counter] => 146 [topic] => 13 [informant] => BlackFire9786 [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => DarkPoetry )

Exhaustion

Contributed by BlackFire9786 on Saturday, 19th April 2003 @ 09:35:00 AM in AEST
Topic: DarkPoetry

Exhaust washes in a wave over me
Making it difficult for me to even breathe
Closing my eyes involuntarily
Praying I may never wake again

I try to listen, but your voice just fades away
My mind wanders to a wonderful place
A land where I can run and laugh and play
Instead of being trapped in here with you

All consciousness is leaving me fast
It seems you’ve finally got me beat at last
The life on the other side of that door is vast
But I can’t quite reach the handle

The darkness surrounds me, may it never leave again
It pours into my very soul, calming me within
In it I feel more secure than I’ve ever been
May I sleep forever, may you burn in hell.

Copyright Â© BlackFire9786 ... [ 2003-04-19 09:35:00]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Exhaustion (User Rating: 1 )
by Daydreamer on Saturday, 19th April 2003 @ 11:08:21 AM AEST
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I liked your Poem alot..it was sad...but I feel that way a lot. I just hope who ever it is who hurts you will soon get theres. sweet wishes of hope ~Day~

Re: Exhaustion (User Rating: 1 )
by pam on Saturday, 19th April 2003 @ 12:39:42 PM AEST
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excellent poem. I know how you feel, alot of times I would just like to give up on life as well. It seems so much easier. Keep up the good writing.

Re: Exhaustion (User Rating: 1 )
by shelby on Saturday, 19th April 2003 @ 01:30:11 PM AEST
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Wonderful emotional poem. Iv felt the very same way. Like I could hardly put one foot infront of the other. Yet we cant give up. Whoever hurt you will get bit on the butt by karma and you will flourish and find a love so true. I know this for sure.
Michelle

Re: Exhaustion (User Rating: 1 )
by The_Phantom on Saturday, 19th April 2003 @ 07:01:51 PM AEST
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I love the way you rhymed every other line the poem went so smooth, that was great, each word I could feel. Lovely simpley lovely.

The Phantom

Re: Exhaustion (User Rating: 1 )
by Kindredblood_dragon on Sunday, 20th April 2003 @ 02:28:36 AM AEST
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It was a good poem although I dont think it shouldve gone under the dark section, maybe under sadness.
It is sad that someone has burned your heart
Hope you find someone that you will be better off with.

Re: Exhaustion (User Rating: 1 )
by Wrybod on Sunday, 20th April 2003 @ 02:32:03 AM AEST
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You certainly made it with that penultimate verse, the triple rhyme and the last line were worth 5 stars. You could have followed it in the same style

Darkness surround me.......please always remain
Pour into my soul.........calming the pain
I feel secure..........no longer insane
Don't anyone light a candle

Re: Exhaustion (User Rating: 1 )
by BlackFire9786 on Sunday, 20th April 2003 @ 03:13:49 AM AEST
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Thank you all for your wonderful comments, i really appreciate them. And Wrybod, i really like that last verse you just added, pity i didn't think of it :( lol. anyways, thank you all!

Re: Exhaustion (User Rating: 1 )
by wild_heart_of_fire on Tuesday, 3rd June 2003 @ 12:54:46 AM AEST
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*sigh* you write so well. i am so jealous...you always excede my expectations...i have learned to read your poems w/ out any..i just get blown away every time. i love you twin! love, peace, and chicken grease!!

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