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Array
(
[sid] => 161814
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => SWAY
[time] => 2010-08-15 17:16:35
[hometext] => This poem has 2 different endings - would love some feedback as to which seems better of the 2 - thanks.
[bodytext] => "Sway" (version 1)
I saw her on a dance floor on a hot and balmy night,
she was there with all her girlfriends, she really was a sight,
she was swaying to the music, she was swaying to the beat
and the music that entranced her began to move her feet.
She was swaying to the music, she was swaying to and fro
the music had possessed her and it wouldn't let her go,
it was the rhythm of the music that made her lose control
and her body came alive when the music touched her soul.
She was swaying to the music - pure fluidity in motion
like birds upon a breeze or like waves upon an ocean,
and the movements that she made as she danced around the floor
just took my breath away and left me and totally in awe.
She looked hypnotized, mesmerized, her body kept pulsating
and even when the music stopped she kept on undulating,
and such were the effects of the music that she'd heard
that it took her quite awhile before she uttered just one word.
"WOW!"
John A. Kent 3/8/2010 ©
______________________________________________________________
"Sway" (version 2)
I saw her on a dance floor on a hot and balmy night,
she was there with all her girlfriends, she really was a sight,
she was swaying to the music, she was swaying to the beat
and the music that entranced her began to move her feet.
She was swaying to the music, she was swaying to and fro
the music had possessed her and it wouldn't let her go,
it was the rhythm of the music that made her lose control
and her body came alive when the music touched her soul.
She was swaying to the music - pure fluidity in motion
like birds upon a breeze or like waves upon an ocean,
and the movements that she made as she danced around the floor
just took my breath away and left me and totally in awe.
She looked hypnotized, mesmerized, her body kept pulsating
and even when the music stopped she kept on undulating,
and such were the effects of the music that she'd heard
that it took her quite awhile before she knew what had occured.
The music gave her rhythm, the rhythm moved her feet
her feet tapped out a tempo that measured out the beat
the beat became a primal urge that made her body sway
and it was the spirit of her primal dance that blew my mind away.
John A. Kent 11/8/2010 ©
[comments] => 12
[counter] => 3182
[topic] => 34
[informant] => TsunamiWaverider
[notes] => Changed category to song lyrics per request in site help. Moderator_18 Sep 9, 2010
[ihome] => 0
[alanguage] => english
[acomm] => 0
[haspoll] => 0
[pollID] => 0
[score] => 2032
[ratings] => 407
[editpoem] => 1
[associated] =>
[topicname] => SongLyrics
)
SWAY
Contributed by
TsunamiWaverider
on
Sunday, 15th August 2010 @ 05:16:35 PM in AEST
Topic:
SongLyrics
|
"Sway" (version 1)
I saw her on a dance floor on a hot and balmy night,
she was there with all her girlfriends, she really was a sight,
she was swaying to the music, she was swaying to the beat
and the music that entranced her began to move her feet.
She was swaying to the music, she was swaying to and fro
the music had possessed her and it wouldn't let her go,
it was the rhythm of the music that made her lose control
and her body came alive when the music touched her soul.
She was swaying to the music - pure fluidity in motion
like birds upon a breeze or like waves upon an ocean,
and the movements that she made as she danced around the floor
just took my breath away and left me and totally in awe.
She looked hypnotized, mesmerized, her body kept pulsating
and even when the music stopped she kept on undulating,
and such were the effects of the music that she'd heard
that it took her quite awhile before she uttered just one word.
"WOW!"
John A. Kent 3/8/2010 ©
______________________________________________________________
"Sway" (version 2)
I saw her on a dance floor on a hot and balmy night,
she was there with all her girlfriends, she really was a sight,
she was swaying to the music, she was swaying to the beat
and the music that entranced her began to move her feet.
She was swaying to the music, she was swaying to and fro
the music had possessed her and it wouldn't let her go,
it was the rhythm of the music that made her lose control
and her body came alive when the music touched her soul.
She was swaying to the music - pure fluidity in motion
like birds upon a breeze or like waves upon an ocean,
and the movements that she made as she danced around the floor
just took my breath away and left me and totally in awe.
She looked hypnotized, mesmerized, her body kept pulsating
and even when the music stopped she kept on undulating,
and such were the effects of the music that she'd heard
that it took her quite awhile before she knew what had occured.
The music gave her rhythm, the rhythm moved her feet
her feet tapped out a tempo that measured out the beat
the beat became a primal urge that made her body sway
and it was the spirit of her primal dance that blew my mind away.
John A. Kent 11/8/2010 ©
Copyright ©
TsunamiWaverider
... [
2010-08-15 17:16:35]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: SWAY
(User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on
Sunday, 15th August 2010 @ 05:27:21 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
use them all! I luv the whole thing, and please don't take any thing away.
Your words just do all the things at once, it makes me wonna dance more often.
smiles, blessing, dancing,
emy |
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Re: SWAY
(User Rating: 1 )
by unknown_utopia on
Sunday, 15th August 2010 @ 07:09:19 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
Sounds Familiar
well done.... |
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Re: SWAY
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 16th August 2010 @ 06:15:58 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
Version 1 is much better. It flows much better than version 2, in my opinion.
-Phil |
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Re: SWAY
(User Rating: 1 )
by Elisabeth on
Wednesday, 25th August 2010 @ 11:40:41 PM AEST
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a Message)
|
Version 2 is better in my opinion! Keep the lines/phrases/words you choose not to use for this poem for a rainy day. There is nothing wrong with revision! I wrote a lot of poetry when I was a teen, but most of my writing was vulgar or soaked with curse words. I kept my collection even though I was embarrassed of my lack of vocabulary. Once matured, I saw real potential in my poetry and revised it using my adult vocabulary. Some of my older works are crap, but are laced with magical words and phrases that I have kept in reserve for those pieces yet to be written. Hope that helps, some!
I loved the poem by the way! Very descriptive...gave me a perfect visual that made me want to see her dance (in person) too, even though I saw her dancing in my mind! |
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Re: SWAY
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Thursday, 23rd September 2010 @ 04:41:55 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
| I like version two as well. It was very nicely put together and used great vocabulary and good imagery. Never be afraid of imagery or story telling in poem... |
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Re: SWAY
(User Rating: 1 )
by Morgo on
Wednesday, 4th May 2011 @ 09:32:35 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
| Been looking around a lot of the poems on the site, this is the first I've came across with lines that seem to flow brilliantly! Doesn't feel forced it's very natural. A pleasure to read :) |
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Re: SWAY
(User Rating: 1 )
by newplayer96 on
Thursday, 12th January 2012 @ 06:05:25 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
| I prefer version one. Both, however, are really good! |
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Re: SWAY
(User Rating: 1 )
by 143 on
Sunday, 24th November 2013 @ 10:27:40 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
| Fantastic! |
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Re: SWAY
(User Rating: 1 )
by Eagle on
Tuesday, 20th May 2014 @ 04:23:13 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
Very good, she obviously moved you too. "left me and totally in awe" no need for the use of the word "and".
I enjoyed both versions. |
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Re: SWAY
(User Rating: 1 )
by kmec1990 on
Thursday, 13th November 2014 @ 03:22:34 PM AEST
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a Message)
|
| I know this was posted a few years ago but I really enjoyed the second verse, it's very descriptive, it takes me there. |
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Re: SWAY
(User Rating: 1 )
by Lionel on
Saturday, 14th February 2015 @ 08:54:23 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
| Both are good, I liked the second ending best. |
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Re: SWAY
(User Rating: 1 )
by Mathieu on
Monday, 23rd March 2015 @ 05:02:09 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
I want to get a 5!
I wrote my first two poems the other day and posted them.
how do I achieve what your doing? |
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