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Array
(
[sid] => 161135
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Addmission of who I really am!
[time] => 2010-07-14 10:22:11
[hometext] => While watching breakfast club I found myself asking who I am and found this answer
[bodytext] => Everyone questions themselves once and awhile while they are driving to work in the morning, cutting the grass, shopping, standing in line at the store, or looking in the mirror. Some cannot stand the answer to this question some people like their answer, but most don't have the answer. How is this particular question phrased? How do we define or structure the question? The question is very simple "Who are you?" so many more questions are inside this one very juvenile query. How do we define ourselves? Who am I really? Is what I want to be who I am? Or is what I've done who I've become? I see many flaws inside the eyes that glare back at me through the reflective window of my demise. The darkened bottoms are aged and war-torn; they have become lifeless and isolated. A life thrown away for selfish entertainment, but the question is "Who am I?" I could talk about my birth, my family, my life, my likes, dislikes, and hobbies. Though important to the answer however insignificant. Who you are is how you view yourself from other perspectives along with your own. It's delicate and a argues project not something that can be fixed with a simple sentence or two explanation. In my case who I am lives deeply inside my own head crowded with delusions and scorched lies. To face the harsh reality is not a journey I am willing to take. I cry when I become hurt, but turn to retaliation when the time calls for inside for it. I could say I'm like all of you but that too would be a lie because we are all unique we may go through similar delemas. Are journeys are not similar to say the least it's how we approach these thing that make us who we are. I am strong only when I have something to stand upon, does a weight lifter start and end a routine while treading water? Point being we all need foundations like a dock to stand above water. Matt is a man by gender but a boy by behavior. With each passing year I find questions about myself fleeting and distant. I have hated every answer that has presented itself to me I find it hard to admit half of what I've done. A convict of life and exiled by my own actions. I've stolen everything from wedding rings and promising dreams. The person that I've hurt the most is of course myself I refuse to allow myself any happiness anything good that comes into my life I try to destroy it by any means possible. I hate who I am, I am a lier, a thief, and a criminal. If I appear to be a great guy it's nothing more than an act done by an amazing actor. Tears pulled up on command I used everything I possibly could to get ahead or whatever it was I needed. Drugs have become my worry rock I have gone to them in my times of desperation when the truth of my own choices haunt my mind. I have raised my voice and my hand to those who didn't deserve it to get what I want. The question remains "Who am I?" I am not sure who or what I am. A criminal? A boy who lost his way? Or someone who has cried wolf his entire life only to be casted out of the village and attacked by the wolf and mauled to death. The "wolf/monster" DRUGS! Which has taken over my life and robbed me of my innocents. I don't blame anyone person I blame myself for discovering the "monster" and welcoming it into my life. It was by my choice for letting it walk in and help destroy everything in my path. I have caused wounds that simple care cannot mend, I have lost many dear connections with the greatest people who ever took the time to embrace me. The battled waged was hard the "monster" consumed me it had the perfect warfare and out numbered my defense. Every battle waged was lost defeated I raised my flag of surrender and became intoxicated by the "monster." I tried desperately to hide the truth of what I was doing in doing so I cut off people who needed to be there who wanted to help by my own decisions I hid away causing them to give up and give up hope. Casted into exile I became alone distraught and angry with me and only me. The part of me that the monster held hostage found the strength within itself and fought back. I became tired of my situation tired of being no one. I am loved, cherished, and adored with the monster walking hand with me I was disrespected. Weakened from a year of lying in the "monsters" arms I found regular motor functions and survival instincts empty. I saw the look in those who had once supported me finding it hard to find trust and hope for me now. This war was waged and after several losses I still find myself losing and struggling for victory but each day is a battle and each night is a celebration for another victory. I may battle the "monster" daily I am still fighting whether I succeed or not my fight is strong and no longer for others but myself. Fighting for your own victory is awe-inspiring. I have many who have low expectations for me but that isn't my war nor battle. So the question is "Who am I?" I am a lier, I am a hostage of addiction, a man, a lost boy, alone, found, forgiven, saved, exiled, ignored, and I am human. I have fallen and had to pick my own self up so when my journey starts and my destination reached my answer for who I am is....whatever you believe me to be. By my own standards I don't care! [comments] => 0 [counter] => 186 [topic] => 48 [informant] => mrmatt [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 5 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => EmotionalPoetry )
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