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Array
(
[sid] => 158820
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Old Fears Laid To Rest
[time] => 2010-04-11 04:00:53
[hometext] => During therapy for my depression it became clear I had questions that could not be answered. This surreal poem is an exercise in therapy.
[bodytext] => Old Fears Laid To Rest It was rather unnerving to see my father before me. From my vantage point in bed I felt vulnerable and confused. This had to be a dream but everything was sensate And so I continued to stare at my father, bemused. The pregnant pause seemed to last a lifetime but was barely a minute. His voice was so deep that it was almost like thunder, The room reverberating and echoing his words. I knew I had one chance, to lay things asunder. You have nothing to apologise for, it was all my own choice. He spoke of his death for which I felt responsibility, blame. I wanted to go, I was so tired and very alone. You have never let me down; there is no need for shame. The words caused cold sweat to roll down my spine. He knew all the questions I had held in my mind. I tried to speak but nothing would come out I just closed my eyes and sought more questions to find. Your sister died of a terrible disease not neglect, You did all you could but it was not meant to be. She doesn’t blame you and neither do we, What we all want now is that you should be free. He had mentioned we and I thought of my mother The last time I’d seen her was such a scene of horror Lying in that hospital bed waiting to die And those all around her seeming not to bother. She went in the way that she chose to my son, You think you could stop her but she was my wife And it was me that forced her to drink for release. It was her way of peacefully ending her life. She died in such pain and horrible agony The alcohol causing the fatal cirrhosis A more painful death I could not imagine. I hated him more for his flawed diagnosis. I know it was my fault that forced you away; One sister to marry, the other to move house While you went to college which was your way to get out. This ultimately caused me the loss of my spouse. She never forgave me for lack of emotion, But it was such a foreign thing, alien to me I’d never experienced it in my own family life, So now understand this and let yourself free. I still had not spoken; he had known what I wanted. The questions, the answers I wanted to hear. Just staring at his image it started to shimmer And without a sound it began to disappear. Alone in the room I was covered in sweat The cold damp of fear but not any guilt Real or not my father had continued to expand And develop my therapy upon the way it was built. Alistair Muir 11/04/2010 [comments] => 3 [counter] => 148 [topic] => 62 [informant] => aliopterix [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 13 [ratings] => 3 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => spiritual )
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