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Array
(
[sid] => 157713
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => We Couldn't Bear to Lose Him
[time] => 2010-02-23 21:06:56
[hometext] =>
[bodytext] => Dear Lord, I feel you urging me to write about feelings I’d rather keep hidden; memories from a painful time which remain embedded in my heart like barbed arrows. I have pushed this conversation deep down into the darkest part of my soul…hoping to never have to deal with it again, but You are persistent…and You know my heart better than I do. If I could roll back time and begin about a week before our son’s tragic and untimely death, I’d come to a few days of vacation he had off from work. He decided to come home and spend them with us. Of course, we were elated. He usually spent a quick weekend once in a while, so it would be wonderful to have some extra time with him. He planned a golf game and other things family and friends enjoyed doing together, but something was off… way off. He had sent us a copy of an e-mail that he had also sent to his girlfriend. It was both frightening and heartbreakingly sad. She had broken up with him and he was not taking her decision well at all and threatened to hurt himself… I was eager to see him and check him out for myself. He was not his usual chipper self and withdrew often alone, even when family or friends were around. How he was really doing was always, always on my mind. How can I help him? He was already seeing a therapist so that was encouraging, I thought. Would the golf game cheer him up? He seemed to have a good time, at least that was what I was told by my husband. But later, my son and I had a private talk and he poured out words of heartache between sobs that wracked his body. I rubbed his back, hugged him and tried to console him. Our conversation weighed heavily on my mind and heart after he had returned home. There was nagging fear…deep in my gut. I sat down to share the details with my husband. He listened to my worry about our son’s pain and my quandary as to whether we should push to help him or not, after all, he was a grown man with rights to his own life and privacy. I expected to hear my husband echo my fears, so what he did say, shocked me. “Did he say anything about the golf game?” he asked. Golf? Golf? That’s all you care about here!! Aren’t you concerned about your son’s welfare? But I did not ask those questions out loud. He didn’t seem to be alarmed by anything I had said and I did not have the energy to tell it to him all over again, not now anyway. We planned to go see our son and celebrate his birthday with him the following weekend. Perhaps we could talk further with him then. But he would be dead before the weekend. I’ve had to stop and cry my heart out as I write this. The deep ache of remorse is still there, wounding me and the “why” questions linger. Perhaps I could have done something to stop it... Why was I “pushed” to write about this, God? Was I to write it down so I could hurt all over again? There are no answers to our endless questions so what’s the point of recording it in black and white? How can there be any benefit to come from this agony? Dear Daughter, My arms are around you as you type and I held you while you sobbed. My tears mingled with yours…I miss him too! Remember My friend Lazarus? I was moved to tears then too, even though I knew I was going to wake him up within minutes. Since My time frame is different from yours, I will tell you that it will seem only like a few minutes since your son’s death before I will be waking him up again! My Dear Daughter, your grief is temporary, this world is temporary, death and the enemy are temporary, so hold on to Me! Forgive your husband for his thinking… He has played this conversation over and over in his mind too… trying to make sense of it all. You both love your son so much and I know that… And your love is just the beginning of My great love for him. I took him to save him…there was no other way. He had suffered many years, from childhood on… from taunts and threats by the enemy; things he neither understood nor knew how to put into words. It would not have been long and the enemy would have pushed him over the edge and far away from eternity, so I stepped in. I knew how much his death would hurt all of you who love him, but try to understand that I had to let him take a rest to save him for eternity. Dad and I talked often about his struggle; we knew the enemy was closing in for the kill…it was time. This is how Dad put it, “Son, we have delayed as long as we dare. We must move quickly before the enemy strikes. We can’t bear to lose him for all eternity, so let’s snatch him away from Satan now and save him forever. He’s Our boy!” I know you are in agony, precious Daughter. I am too. But remember that Satan does not have the last word here… I do. I AM the Author and the Finisher of your faith (Hebrews 12:2, NKJV) and the Victor over sin and death (1 Corinthians 15:57, NLT). So weep when you need to and I will always be there to comfort you. But put your hope in eternity where I will be…and where your son will be… all brand new and ready to live forever. Love, Jesus “But your dead will live; their bodies will rise. You who dwell in the dust, wake up and shout for joy. Your dew is like the dew of the morning; the earth will give birth to her dead.” Isaiah 26:19, NIV [comments] => 1 [counter] => 190 [topic] => 39 [informant] => picklepuss [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 5 [ratings] => 2 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => Grief )
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