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Welcome !	Home · FAQ · Topics · Web Links · Your Account · Submit Poetry · Top 30 · OldSite Link	29-May 13:13:23 AEST

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Array ( [sid] => 153700 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Transitions [time] => 2009-09-29 07:46:36 [hometext] => Please comment; my aim is to improve. Thank you :) [bodytext] => My hope rises and falls like an ocean tide
Overwhelming as it rushes in, uncatchable as
It slips away and leaks through the hands that
Tried to contain it for a few moments longer

In room 313, no sunlight enters through the
Open window. Bed one is unoccupied. The room
Is silent, as if silence can pause time. In the corner,
Mother’s eyes grow redder and thicker with each drip from the IV.

Outside, the September trees are like hourglasses
Patiently dropping each leaf like a grain of sand,
Counting down the days until winter hits hard
Wiping out anything green in its chilly path

The yellow lamp gives off an orange aura and
A gloomy tinge to everything it hits. My lounge
Coffee is a fireplace to my hands, warm and soothing,
Though there is nothing at all soothing about a hospital.

Outside, a harsh wind rattles in the trees like a
Monster in a cage. I hate to say it, but I’m
Bored. There is nothing we can do. But Mother has
A hard time letting him go. Daddy’s little girl.

Hospital machinery is obnoxious. Always counting,
And then, finally, not. The unsympathetic, prolonged
Beep is ringing in my ears. Mother closes her eyes and
Turns to me. She sobs on my shoulder and I pat her back,

Sympathetic yet strong. I knew it would happen, and
So did she, just as we know winter comes after autumn.
A sad loss, yes, but life goes on. The tide washes away
A footprint sooner or later. I wonder what’s for supper.
[comments] => 3 [counter] => 242 [topic] => 52 [informant] => HaleysHeresat [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 10 [ratings] => 2 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => goodbyepoetry )

Transitions

Contributed by HaleysHeresat on Tuesday, 29th September 2009 @ 07:46:36 AM in AEST
Topic: goodbyepoetry

My hope rises and falls like an ocean tide
Overwhelming as it rushes in, uncatchable as
It slips away and leaks through the hands that
Tried to contain it for a few moments longer

In room 313, no sunlight enters through the
Open window. Bed one is unoccupied. The room
Is silent, as if silence can pause time. In the corner,
Mother’s eyes grow redder and thicker with each drip from the IV.

Outside, the September trees are like hourglasses
Patiently dropping each leaf like a grain of sand,
Counting down the days until winter hits hard
Wiping out anything green in its chilly path

The yellow lamp gives off an orange aura and
A gloomy tinge to everything it hits. My lounge
Coffee is a fireplace to my hands, warm and soothing,
Though there is nothing at all soothing about a hospital.

Outside, a harsh wind rattles in the trees like a
Monster in a cage. I hate to say it, but I’m
Bored. There is nothing we can do. But Mother has
A hard time letting him go. Daddy’s little girl.

Hospital machinery is obnoxious. Always counting,
And then, finally, not. The unsympathetic, prolonged
Beep is ringing in my ears. Mother closes her eyes and
Turns to me. She sobs on my shoulder and I pat her back,

Sympathetic yet strong. I knew it would happen, and
So did she, just as we know winter comes after autumn.
A sad loss, yes, but life goes on. The tide washes away
A footprint sooner or later. I wonder what’s for supper.

Copyright Â© HaleysHeresat ... [ 2009-09-29 07:46:36]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Transitions (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Tuesday, 29th September 2009 @ 05:28:49 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

This is outstanding. So many different images and emotions, tinged with detachment and impatience. One of the best poems I've read in a while, fully deserving of 5 stars.

-Phil

Re: Transitions (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Tuesday, 29th September 2009 @ 11:54:38 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I am with Sir Phil. So yeah, pretty much what he said and...

This was a difficult one for me to read and not for the great imagery but the relentless emotion. I have suffered much loss due to death in my family so it took my a while to get passed that last line in the second stanza and that is what great poetry is all about... descriptive power and yep, you got some of that goin' on.

To cry

To have contentment.

I like that acceptance of it all with that last line.

Great job.

Tim

Re: Transitions (User Rating: 1 )
by MoonlightKiss on Friday, 2nd October 2009 @ 02:43:52 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

great job, phil is right. listen to him; he's an
amazing poet. if he says its good, it must be
outstanding.

one little thing... i'm a stickler for punctuation
errors, and the lines where a sentence ends
and another starts messed me up a little.
if there's gonna be something like this:

"Hospital machinery is obnoxious. Always counting,
And then, finally, not. The unsympathetic, prolonged"

then, perhaps this instead:

'Hospital machinery is obnoxious.
Always counting,
And then, finally, not.
The unsympathetic, prolonged'

just a suggestion, but it helps me follow the
flow of the poem and it looks more neat :)

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