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UntitledUnfinished
Contributed by
ghostofandy
on
Sunday, 16th August 2009 @ 01:04:16 PM in AEST
Topic:
Lifepoems
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I scratch my eyes
to bleed real tears.
Crucified dreams
Resurrect my fears.
All the Misogyny
that can fit in a world
Pinpointed at
an innocent girl.
All the beautiful memories
I drank away
Because my temper of gold
couldn't make her stay
Copyright ©
ghostofandy
... [
2009-08-16 13:04:16] (Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: UntitledUnfinished
(User Rating: 1 ) by orphani on
Sunday, 16th August 2009 @ 01:31:35 PM AEST (User
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a Message)
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as a raw work this is a very good start.
i personally don't lean tward ryhme
line 7 is weak
line 11 very strong, this line to me means wealth.a few tweaks could notch this poem up.
and always love what loves you.
gl
o |
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Re: UntitledUnfinished
(User Rating: 1 ) by Former_Member on
Monday, 17th August 2009 @ 10:21:07 AM AEST (User
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a Message)
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It's pretty good. Something about the last line is niggling me. I think it's probably one syllable too long. Here is one suggestion of how you could word it:
'All the beautiful memories
I drank away
Despite my temper of gold
She did not stay. '
See what you think.
-Phil |
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