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Array
(
[sid] => 151394
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Out Of Me
[time] => 2009-07-09 22:40:57
[hometext] => I wrote this poem about an experience I had in highschool. I was in a rough place where no one treated me well. I became a cutter --until I met a guy who completely changed my life forever...
[bodytext] => Too many bad things happened there She hides her face behind her hair To not confront the memories Standing before her on their knees Wanting to destroy her life Making her want to use the knife The last time she did it was the worst She really wanted to quench the thirst The thirst she had to feel relieved Of all the hurt that she received She did it so much it was a routine She was the worst that she’d ever been So now she had to get away From what happened to her everyday She came unto this brand new place New people looked at her new face She thought this was her brand new start But to let people know, she opened her heart And people still made fun of her No matter what her problems were They did mean things behind her back Her hopeful dream faded to black But when she thought she’d had enough She found a diamond in the rough She met him on a cloudy day He made the clouds all run away He didn’t introduce himself at first That formality was submersed It was hardly even a conversation It didn’t last with long duration But when she turned around she smiled The roaring inside her now grew mild But she did not see him for a few days She thought his kindness was a phase Until her cell phone rang one day She answered but didn’t know what to say When the voice on the other end said to her “Hey, it’s me. Do you remember? Remember that silly way we met? That was so funny, I’ll never forget!” He told her his name and they became friends Their friendship became one that quickly extends They spoke for a while She shared her heart She shared her story Each detailed part He was so shocked to know her pain But still he did not leave in vain He told her he’d be by her side And he’d have his arms for when she cried And after they said their goodbyes and left She was in no way left feeling bereft It was the opposite of that She wholly knew where she was at He called her again a few days later The excitement in his voice was greater He asked to see her and spend some time This to her ear was like a sweet rhyme She said that would be great And that he could come over She felt like she had found A lucky four leaf clover With the luck she had at finding a friend Who she knew would stick until the end While she was waiting for him to arrive Every sensation was coming alive She put on her make up and fixed up her hair She took forever to find what to wear She found her best outfit and quickly got dressed If it was to impress him, she wouldn’t rest Then the doorbell rang Her heart instantly sang And her nerves began to show When he looked into her nervous eyes And lightly said, “Hello.” They sat down on the couch and talked for a while Her heart would beat faster whenever he’d smile She told him she felt a bit insecure He looked in her eyes and said something pure He said, “Listen to me. You’re perfect in my eyes.” She wondered if what he said was just lies But he touched her hand softly and then she knew That her lonely and heartbroken days would be through She looked in his eyes Just as blue as the skies And knew what she wanted to do And when his eyes stared back at hers She knew he wanted it too And as she laid him down with her gentle grace He tenderly touched her timorous face They stared into each others’ eyes Saying nothing at all And as she touched her lips to his She knew she would surely fall He held her close and kissed her But she lightly pulled away She looked into his eyes And felt she had something to say But before she could open her mouth he said, “I really have to go.” She said, “Okay.” But in her head she was really saying, “No.” She walked him out to say goodbye What she was feeling she couldn’t deny He said, “I really had a great time with you, But there’s one last thing that I have to do.” He put his arms around her waist And kissed her again while they embraced He pulled away looking nervous and shy He said, “My heart’s beating faster, and I don’t know why.” She giggled at him and he got in his car And his smile was much brighter than a star As he grinned her way and pulled onto the street She waved goodbye wishing it would repeat She watched him quickly drive away Wishing he would come back and stay She slowly walked into her room Softly closing the door She didn’t want anything else or nothing less She only wanted more She had never before experienced someone With such a way of love The hurt and pain that they had caused Was what she would think of But she laid her head down on her pillow Not thinking of things that were She was only thinking of the present And maybe the near future She went to sleep and slept so well But she wished she had someone to tell The next few weeks they talked non-stop He called her every day He called her morning, day, and night And sometimes just to say, “Sweetie, you looked sad today. Is there something I did wrong? Whatever it is I hope you’re fine and I know you’re very strong. I care about you oh so much and I know what you’re going through, But I want you to be okay. Just remember that you’re you.” Every time he said this She would smile through her tears And every time he touched her It would wipe away her fears She knew that they were friends But she knew she wanted more She wondered what it meant That he had said this times before Until one day he called her Wanting to play a question game He asked her if she liked him She said, “Yes. Do you feel the same?” He was quiet for a moment Her anticipation grew But then he broke the silence saying, “Yes, I like you too.” From that moment on it wasn’t craze They were together and talking always Their conversations started to change And all the feelings that they would exchange Their words became more loving and deep And every note he wrote her she’d keep And then one night they were with their crowd From across the room he was staring her down When she saw him looking she turned red Because he had sent her a message that said, “Meet me out by the car in five minutes. Don’t be late.” Her heart was pounding and she couldn’t wait When she lost sight of him she stepped outside She breathed in as she felt her feelings collide She saw him getting in his car And went to stop him from getting too far She opened the door and quickly grabbed his face But he said, “There are too many people in this place.” She didn’t want to keep her friends waiting So she quickly kissed his cheek He suddenly looked upset and said, “I guess I’ll see you next week.” He drove away and didn’t look back Her starlit night faded to black He didn’t speak to her For many days on end She knew he wanted to kiss her that night And she wanted to make amends And so one night she told him How bad it made her feel She told him that her feelings for him Were still alive and real He told her that he wasn’t mad It just really made him sad He told her he still loved her And touched her jaded face And they that night became one In that secret hiding place She never felt so loved Or loved someone so much She melted in his arms With each reviving touch So each night after that It became a standard thing And he became the topic Of all the songs that she would sing She now had given her whole being To his welcome heart She cared for him so much, she knew Nothing would make them part He saved her from her problem She never hurt herself again She thought she was the best That she had ever been But then one night her phone rang And she saw that it was him She jumped up excitedly Her heart was on the brim He said, “I need to tell you something.” Her head began to whirl She thought he’d say “I love you.” And ask her to be his girl But what he said to her was completely not the same She braced herself the moment that he roughly said her name He said, “I need to tell you the honest truth About you and me. I really never liked you. I thought that you could see. I never meant ‘I love you,’ And I never was your friend. And the moment that we kissed I knew that we would surely end. I really never cared And you problems were a drag. And when I talked about you I would only brag Not because I liked you But because you were a trend. And there’s one more thing I’ve got to say: I like your best friend.” She had no idea what to say And he hung up the phone He never talked to her again And she felt all alone Though she saw him everyday He wouldn’t even look her way She tried so hard to talk to him He’d act like she didn’t exist That’s not the way he acted Every moment that they kissed No matter how hurtful he was She would be true and nice And when he’d give her dirty looks She still wouldn’t think twice She knew that one that used to be Was somewhere in him deep inside But when she went to look for it She could only say she tried She thought about him all the time And wrote about him everyday She remembers every perfect word That he used to say Every day she saw him She would bring out the knife And remember how his so-called “love” Had just destroyed her life She didn’t want to do this because she thought that she’d stopped But when she heard those words her wounded heart had dropped The pain he caused her was not the same As when she hurt herself But the blade was always better When not rusting on the shelf The blade relieved the pain That he caused her long ago And when she’d see his face Her heart would sink below His voice became the very loudest thing that’s in her head And every time she hears it her feelings all go dead And as she remembers all his lies She carves his name into her thighs So even though she can’t be his He’ll always be a part of her And every time she reads him name She’ll remember what they were She cuts and cuts until she bleeds And the pain is too much to bear The cuts represent the wounds he left That no one could repair It’s been almost a year since then She still thinks of him again and again She desperately wants to stop And she wants to get away From his memory hurting her And leading her astray But she can’t do it because she’s lost She’ll keep cutting at any cost And if you ask why it has to be She’ll say, “I just can’t cut him out of me.” [comments] => 0 [counter] => 142 [topic] => 72 [informant] => Amberhope [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => self-harmpoetry )
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