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Array
(
[sid] => 150088
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => The Abyss of Downward
[time] => 2009-05-22 20:46:56
[hometext] =>
[bodytext] =>  I am standing tiptoe on the last remaining pebble of a once firm, carefully established and constructed foundation; swaying high in the dark clouds trying as best I can to keep balanced. Being so high with nothing to hold onto all I see below me the abyss of downward, and falling into downward seems the only logical option left to me. I close my eyes and lean into downward, I fall freely and calmly into the remarkably inviting nothingness. As I look around me, there is no heaven here, no God or angels only me and the hell that stirs and rumbles inside me. Yet it remains quiet and still and peaceful. I fall with the wind slapping my face, I turn onto my back and I glance upward and I see the last pebble of my foundation still lingering there in mid air and I wonder whether I jumped too soon or possibly not soon enough. I feel bits and pieces of things hitting against me, stinging my body like bullets. I turn to see what I am falling through and I capture a piece of it in my hand as it hits my chest. I open my hand and recognize a jigsaw piece of my previous foundation. That which had crumbled away earlier, I had already caught up to and was passing in my downward fall and I wondered to myself how that could possibly be. The bullet like pieces continued to pelt my body, and just when I could stand the pain no longer they ceased and disappeared and the small piece I held in my hand began to vibrate and shake violently wanting me to let go of it. I released it back into the air and I was amazed as it flew upward joining the other pieces, it was then I realized that they were not falling at all. Only me. The foundation was broken and scattered but it had not fallen away, it lingered in the air waiting for me to pull it together again. Not as it had previously been, but in the way I needed and wanted it to be. The foundation had crumbled because I was standing on wishes, thoughts, dreams, ideas and promises designed and built by others without consideration of me- who I was, or what I wanted. It was then I understood that the foundation had not fallen apart, but that I had picked it apart in my attempt to find pieces that suited me. I recognized then that the fall was not a failure, but a victory as I descended into a place where I could now find and piece together my own foundation. One designed and constructed totally and absolutely by me. I landed tiptoed on a small pebble, strong and sturdy holding my weight, my wishes, my dreams- my life. I see God surrounding me. And there, I began. [comments] => 1 [counter] => 168 [topic] => 21 [informant] => n2dep2care [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => Lifepoems )
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