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Again
Contributed by
net
on
Tuesday, 14th April 2009 @ 05:28:05 PM in AEST
Topic:
EmotionalPoetry
|
We sat and wept for a while
Then the floor gave way
Our eyes lingered in places
We couldn’t bear to forget
The feelings are wet and cold
And they slip from your hold
We fall
So I said to myself
What you gonna do?
No other ways around
This mess I sunk into
Will that plane of yours
Take me away one more time
To lands we used to make love
Some cold hearted bastard again
I have willingly become
A millions years will pass
And still these wounds will last
And the pain will teach me
How to love
Again
So tell me again
In case I forget how to
Forget you once and for all
‘Cause your smell haunts my home
Walls bear your color yellow
The door handle knows who you are
Your hair floats above the floor
And your face is always there
When my eyes are closed
So I sad to myself
What you gonna do?
We fall and we fall
And it all starts again
Just like before
We fall and we fall
And then it starts again
To end once more
We fall and we fall
And then it stars again
And so it goes on
On
And on
And on
And on
Copyright ©
net
... [
2009-04-14 17:28:05]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Again
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 14th April 2009 @ 05:33:04 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
this is superb writing. you've fully conveyed the feeling of emotions and images never going away. it was brash, frank and refreshing to read. i loved it. 5 out of 5.
-Phil |
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Re: Again
(User Rating: 1 )
by 3660Days on
Wednesday, 15th April 2009 @ 07:48:24 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Yeah I agree with Phil, by YPDC standards, this is a 5/5 for sure. Without that kind of curve, I would give it at least a 4 or 4.5. My thoughts by lines:
2: I like the imagery.
5: Like the imagery
6: Like the sudden rhyme
7: I like this sharp, quick line, contrasts with the structure of the rest of the stanza...serves to transition. Very nice.
Stanza 2 I am a little less crazy about, but once again, the sudden short stop of "Again". was nice.
Stanza 3 had good imagery, and a very nice theme, all around.
Stanza 4 is probably the best of all, with excellent rhythem, flow, repetition of "we fall", it's almost haunting to read.
Bravo to you. |
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