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Array
(
[sid] => 142397
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Take your Pick
[time] => 2008-05-15 08:56:38
[hometext] =>
[bodytext] => There is always such an awkward silence in the air when someone mentions the word “puking”. I never wanted to tell you in the first place, but I did anyways. And now, every time someone says that word, you look at me and glare. But why you think it’s so easy for me to quit, I’ll never know. To quit what I do…it’s so hard. I’ve tried…either I don’t eat, or I eat and never keep it down. Take your pick; it’s always going to be one or the other. Today you looked at me when she said “puking”. You told her not to say that word and she gave you a funny look while you glare down at me. You were supposed to keep this a secret, not letting anyone know or see. I can see you want me to stop, to just be… “myself” again. But I’ve been doing what I do for so long now, That I can’t find that girl I used to be. No matter what time of day, no matter what I’m doing, The number of calories I’ve just consumed is on my mind. If I eat, it comes back up. But if I don’t eat, then it’s all good. However, to not eat after binging for so many months is hard. All I want to do is eat and eat and eat…soak away all my problems. But once I’ve eaten, I feel so ashamed, so huge and big and ugly and gross. It’s a horrible feeling, one that I can’t stand. So it’s off to the toilet. I’m sure you wish we’d never met. Dealing with me is too much work and not worth what you get back. But since part of this is your fault, you feel you have to help. I fell in love with you, Whether I want to believe it’s true, Or not. Sure, we fought a lot. But we made it and got over it. When that new girl came, I no longer mattered. She was pretty, skinny, and kind of a slut: Everything you ever wanted. I thought that just maybe, if I was skinny like her, You’d like me better. But no. My appearance matter none to you. And so now I’m stuck with this eating disorder, Wondering if it’ll kill me, Or how I can make it end. [comments] => 3 [counter] => 166 [topic] => 61 [informant] => Bubbles02 [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 10 [ratings] => 2 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => selfstruggles )
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