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Array
(
[sid] => 140550
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => I Hate Who I Am
[time] => 2008-02-22 17:33:21
[hometext] =>
[bodytext] => I stand in the shower The water washes down upon me As if to cleanse myself of my problems Am I crying? I can't tell Lately I feel like I'm drowning Much too much Suffocated by my self-hate I can't help it, I hate myself Who I am, my talents, my looks They all cause me nothing but grief I suppose I should be glad I have talents But I just wish I were better In my mind I paint a masterpiece Yet no matter how hard I try, how much I practice My drawings don't compare by far I want to cry when I look down at my talentless hobbies "You're so good at this!" people say about my writing, my drawing, my singing I'm mediocre at best, I hate their encouraging lies "Just practice more" or "You're improving" just bring me down lower I don't want to be the best And I don't want to be famous for my hobbies I just want to be as good as everyone else Instead of "honorable mentions", I want to make 3rd or 2nd place! I'm trapt inside the frame of my limitations And I long to break free, paint outside the lines I give all I have in everything I do My drawings, my poems, my stories And yet find that I'm no where near close to where I want to be I can't speak to people I find it impossible to say what I am trying to And ramble on and on to someone about my life's story When they just wanted to know what's up I grow too attached too fast And scare off many people I try to connect with I hate who I am I can't swim, I can't dance, my acting ability is limited to my room I long to star in a play To stand on stage and pour my soul into the role But I stumble on my words, and mutter too much Lose my place in speech and can't stop myself I can't stick up for myself And when I defend others, I do it badly I feel useless I hate who I am I've been broken for so long And realize that I will never get to where I want to be B's and one A should be grades worth celebrating, right? I scold myself, tell myself I should have worked harder I can't accept myself I argue with my mother And let people walk all over me I cry when I think of HIM And I don't let myself cry out when I get wounded Sometimes I would stick my arm under scalding hot water If I don't cry out, I feel slightly stronger I hate who I am There are more times than not when I bottle up my stress I blow up at my parents after I've delt with more stress than I can handle And then scold myself for letting my emotions get the better of me I cry nearly every night Muttering about how I hate who I am And how I wish I were someone different I complain about how something is, but don't try and change it I'm a hypocrite, a geek, a nerd My glasses are an inch thick, and my nose itches always I have chronic headaches that no one can fix I'm an insomniac and I sit backwards on busseats I hate who I am I can't talk to boys And I nearly faint when one comes within arms reach My heart is easily broken, but my spirit has forever been crushed I stare at my reflection every day And curse out my body My weakness for snacks My waist size I hate who I am I have too many allergies to list I'm sore all over, every day And here I stand Water washing away my pain Am I crying? I think I am Although I'm too numb to tell Because... I hate who I am [comments] => 2 [counter] => 305 [topic] => 61 [informant] => desolantdreamer [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => selfstruggles )
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