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Array ( [sid] => 139709 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Un thoughtful suicide [time] => 2008-01-10 17:24:45 [hometext] => [bodytext] => He held is head up high
As he took the knife
Looked in the mirror just to see his eyes
A simple tear dripped from his eyes
Killed himself and he wondered why
Was he so wrong to do what he thought was right
[comments] => 3 [counter] => 263 [topic] => 13 [informant] => killer81849 [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 2 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => DarkPoetry )

Un thoughtful suicide

Contributed by killer81849 on Thursday, 10th January 2008 @ 05:24:45 PM in AEST
Topic: DarkPoetry

He held is head up high
As he took the knife
Looked in the mirror just to see his eyes
A simple tear dripped from his eyes
Killed himself and he wondered why
Was he so wrong to do what he thought was right

Copyright © killer81849 ... [ 2008-01-10 17:24:45]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Un thoughtful suicide (User Rating: 1 )
by travisk on Thursday, 10th January 2008 @ 07:47:18 PM AEST
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A bit blatant, a bit overplayed, but good.

Funny how the moderators let suggestive themes right on by, but freak on a single swear word.

Keep 'em coming.

Re: Un thoughtful suicide (User Rating: 1 )
by SmokinJoeEvil on Friday, 11th January 2008 @ 03:30:13 AM AEST
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Very short. You describe something about your subject doing "what he thought was right", but you don't explain what IT is. So the reader is left unable to identify with the person in the poem, or sympathize with his situation.

Also, with your title, the prefix "Un" is not a word unto itself. Also, each word in a title should be capitalized, so, even if the "Un" were intentional, both words following it would begin with a capital letter. Lastly, rhyming two lines using the same word (see "eyes") is usually ineffective, and cheapens the experience in my opinion.

Re: Un thoughtful suicide (User Rating: 1 )
by Killer81849 on Friday, 11th January 2008 @ 06:54:47 PM AEST
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I know its not the greatest but for a 30sec quick write i think i did ok lol I usually write anything that comes to my head even tho it is not well thoughtout and the "his eyes" part i knew it was not smart to do lol i didnt wanna get to deep into this one

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