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Array
(
[sid] => 13817
[catid] => 1
[aid] => Mick
[title] => Real-Time Anxiety Attack
[time] => 2003-03-06 06:00:00
[hometext] => As the title says. Typed straight onto the computer during a manic anxiety attack in order to medicate myself.
[bodytext] => As I start to write my head is spinning.
I need to do something. Will this pen and paper be the therapy? Books haven't worked. T.V hasn't worked. Doing nothing hasn't worked. I think I'm in the middle of an anxiety attack. I feel I'm halfway into dying. My head feels tight. Remember to breath. Subconscious actions have become conscious. One little black thought has spiraled out of control. Tens, Hundreds and thousands of little black thoughts. Tens, Hundreds and thousands of big black thoughts. Unprofound black thoughts. Self obsessed, self analytical black thoughts. Is the blood flowing to my head? Is this the priliminary stages of some deadly disease Or maybe even the final stage? All I need is someone to talk to. Reassurance, air and self contentment. I need to keep telling myself: This is a psycological disease Not a physical illness. Keep telling yourself this Ed. You're not dying. You're just psychologically genetically unsound. I'm starting to feel more at ease. I no longing think I'm dying. My breathing seems to be working. ****, I've remembered my breathing! Thinking about it spirals the black thoughts that spiral. It's getting out of control. I'm struggling to type. Give me a minute....... I'm back. Lets relax. In and out, in and out. I feel like a midwife and a mother all at once. Lets forget about those black thoughts. Lets go on a journey. Where to I do not know. Dearest readers, I'm sure one of you can relate to this? This can be perfectly normal right? Thanks for reading this. By the time you've read it I'll be fine. This manic rambling is really helping. Why am I this way? Perhaps someone can help? I knolw it's genetics all all that ****. Perhaps I should'nt have missed my pills? It's quite embarrasing really. I'm not after anyones sympathy. I'm a very lucky victim of circumstance in most respects. I'm grateful for my loving family, Grateful for my security, nationality, abilities and traits. I wouldn't want to be anyone else. I am so grateful. Millions of people struggle to find water Whilst I manic ramble in bed, on my laptop, smoking rollies and drinking as much as I want. Actually, is this the downside of being a comfortable westerner? With so called comfortable westernerness comes a whole new set of personal challenges. Whereas the ethiopian struggles to find water, The capitalistic Brit struggles with sanity? Perhaps I am unlucky. Don't mistake this for self pitying. The struggle to fing water amongst Gods naturalness may be more appealing? Thanks again for reading this. Or maybe unlucky if you have got this far. This is really helping This is really soothing. My black thoughts are de-spiralling. ****, I shouln't have said that. Change the subject Ed. I'm getting babtised on Sunday! Entering the House of God. Once I was having a similar attack to this, A real bad one, asking friends to call ambulances and stuff, And I prayed to God as a sort of last resort before I gave up. Suddenly everything calmed down and I felt and real tingling senstion running through my veins. I do this often now hence my forthcoming babtism. I sometimes feel quilt because I often only pray in these circumstances. Do I only pray for myself? Whether God actually helped me or it was psychological remain to be seen. But who can argue with a higher authority? Religion is a good thing. But hasn't religion caused many a war? Sorry to ramble on but I'm scared to stop. This is therapy. I haven't taken my medication today or yesterday (lost it) Could this be the root of the problem? Sertraline, Has anyone heard of it? It's just a common anti-depressant But I don't think you should mess with it. I not proud to be on it. I'm not ashamed to be on it. I'm only telling you cause I need to and none of you know me so I don't really care what you think. However, tonight manic typing was my medication. It has sorted me out On that note I bid you goodnight. I hope theres no part two. If you are reading this now: Well done Thanks A round of applause to you I owe you a drink I think you probably need a drink Goodnight Godbless God save the Queen. Thanks, Ed xxxxxx [comments] => 6 [counter] => 267 [topic] => 13 [informant] => ed [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 19 [ratings] => 4 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => DarkPoetry )
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