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Array ( [sid] => 138107 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => [untitled] [time] => 2007-10-29 08:11:32 [hometext] => [im not sure if im done with this one yet. just tell me what you think. also any suggestions for the title?] [bodytext] => A cold still awakes me.
Misty, eerie fog whispers
Hopes and dreams of the long lost and forgotten.

I crawl through the frosty, damp grass.
Misshapen and crumbling tombstones align the hills,
My only company in these heavy, dreary shadows.

Tranquil silence surrounds me...
No sound except my own deafening thoughts
Blare in my head.

My body shakes as I grasp for air.
Night drowns my pleads, my screams.
No one is here except the souls,
…The souls and me.

Stale midnight air suffocates,
As a chill slowly freezes my blood.
My breath mists and fades in unison with my heart.

Musty leaves slowly flutter to the icy earth,
A bitter rain of fall.
Gold, brown, and orange puddles
Conceal the beat-up, worn path I walk along.

I am defenseless against the darkness,
For my tattered coat is clichéd.
I shiver in the wake of dawn.

A hazy fog overwhelms me,
Devouring every sense of warmth and courage
My body radiated.

I scurry frantically, stumbling over debris.
Running on...
Running on...

My heart echoes in my ears,
My legs pound a rhythm of fright.
Lungs burn with a wintry satisfaction,
Curing every hunger of freedom I once had.

Past slowly fades away,
As I pass tree after worn out tree.

I become jaded and my body quivers,
Strength less.
I fall to my knees,
Shedding every faithful tear.

Leaves descend around me,
Seemingly attempting to comfort my vulnerable soul.
“You’re free,” they murmur.
“You’re free.”

The golden sun creeps over the treetops,
Illuminating the previously shadowed wooded graves.
Moldy, stale air heightens my senses,
And relaxes my mind, so cautious, now peaceful.

I look to the painted sky,
Then close my eyes.
…And breathe. [comments] => 4 [counter] => 209 [topic] => 40 [informant] => thefemalemind [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 13 [ratings] => 3 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => fantasy )

[untitled]

Contributed by thefemalemind on Monday, 29th October 2007 @ 08:11:32 AM in AEST
Topic: fantasy

A cold still awakes me.
Misty, eerie fog whispers
Hopes and dreams of the long lost and forgotten.

I crawl through the frosty, damp grass.
Misshapen and crumbling tombstones align the hills,
My only company in these heavy, dreary shadows.

Tranquil silence surrounds me...
No sound except my own deafening thoughts
Blare in my head.

My body shakes as I grasp for air.
Night drowns my pleads, my screams.
No one is here except the souls,
…The souls and me.

Stale midnight air suffocates,
As a chill slowly freezes my blood.
My breath mists and fades in unison with my heart.

Musty leaves slowly flutter to the icy earth,
A bitter rain of fall.
Gold, brown, and orange puddles
Conceal the beat-up, worn path I walk along.

I am defenseless against the darkness,
For my tattered coat is clichéd.
I shiver in the wake of dawn.

A hazy fog overwhelms me,
Devouring every sense of warmth and courage
My body radiated.

I scurry frantically, stumbling over debris.
Running on...
Running on...

My heart echoes in my ears,
My legs pound a rhythm of fright.
Lungs burn with a wintry satisfaction,
Curing every hunger of freedom I once had.

Past slowly fades away,
As I pass tree after worn out tree.

I become jaded and my body quivers,
Strength less.
I fall to my knees,
Shedding every faithful tear.

Leaves descend around me,
Seemingly attempting to comfort my vulnerable soul.
“You’re free,” they murmur.
“You’re free.”

The golden sun creeps over the treetops,
Illuminating the previously shadowed wooded graves.
Moldy, stale air heightens my senses,
And relaxes my mind, so cautious, now peaceful.

I look to the painted sky,
Then close my eyes.
…And breathe.

Copyright Â© thefemalemind ... [ 2007-10-29 08:11:32]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: [untitled] (User Rating: 1 )
by law_glen18 on Monday, 29th October 2007 @ 08:25:17 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I love poetry than tells a story. And as they go this is a good one. Nice Writing.

For the title may i suggest

Icey/Iced Whisper
Painted Sky
:)

Re: [untitled] (User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on Monday, 29th October 2007 @ 10:01:01 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

Past slowly fades away,

Waht a beautifull, moving write.
Don't change a thing, please.

The above line would make an awesome title.
Great work.
huggs,
emy

Re: [untitled] (User Rating: 1 )
by Silent-No-More on Monday, 29th October 2007 @ 10:04:17 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

To be completely honest, this seemed a bit overloaded with adjectives (too many for my taste, I mean). There's misty, eerie, frosty, damp, misshapen, crumbling, etc. etc. etc. There's nothing wrong with any of these words, of course, but all them together here just gave me the feeling that you were trying too hard to be descriptive... it didn't seem natural.

This piece does have promise. My feedback was offered as a response to your author's note and I do hope that you aren't offended by my comments. I'd suggest reading the piece aloud to someone (or even, aloud to no one) - sometimes doing so helps to identify where the flow falters and/or where it it doesn't feel quite natural. If it does feel right, feel natural, to you - feel free to disregard my comments entirely (it may be, I realize, just a difference in our style/preferences).

Sincerely,
~Snemmy

Re: [untitled] (User Rating: 1 )
by Fionndruinne on Monday, 29th October 2007 @ 05:22:04 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

You may've heard this before, as it's very common in poetry instruction, but try to pick verbs above adjectives. Verbs are action words, so they give your piece action, flow, momentum.

"I become jaded" is a perfect example of use of an adjective where a verb would be better. Try "I fade", or a more colorful verbal expression for something like this. While adjectives are plenty descriptive, they just don't get your piece flowing off the page.

Andrew

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