|
 Menu
|
|
|
|
|
Social
|
|
|
|
|
Array
(
[sid] => 136428
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Right into your Arms
[time] => 2007-08-02 16:58:36
[hometext] => also for Sky
[bodytext] => I'm tired but I'm not sleeping
That feeling's in my gut.
I've hurt you and I'm reaping
what I have stirred abrupt.
it's those feelings that I've given you
those feelings we both hate.
That feeling that just makes you
close your eyes and pull in the drapes.
I've done harm
but your feelings aren't
just of a toss of coin
I've dealt you cards
that made it hard
to do anything but disappoint.
But a new day turns
and better feelings churn
my love for you burns strong.
The morning glows and the morning bird crows
my love for you burns strong.
If I see you today and a new song plays
you'll know the sight of this charm
I apologize now
if I can't slow down
from jumping right into your arms.
I love you.
[comments] => 4
[counter] => 297
[topic] => 32
[informant] => greenbird
[notes] =>
[ihome] => 0
[alanguage] => english
[acomm] => 0
[haspoll] => 0
[pollID] => 0
[score] => 0
[ratings] => 0
[editpoem] => 1
[associated] =>
[topicname] => SadPoetry
)
Right into your Arms
Contributed by
greenbird
on
Thursday, 2nd August 2007 @ 04:58:36 PM in AEST
Topic:
SadPoetry
|
I'm tired but I'm not sleeping
That feeling's in my gut.
I've hurt you and I'm reaping
what I have stirred abrupt.
it's those feelings that I've given you
those feelings we both hate.
That feeling that just makes you
close your eyes and pull in the drapes.
I've done harm
but your feelings aren't
just of a toss of coin
I've dealt you cards
that made it hard
to do anything but disappoint.
But a new day turns
and better feelings churn
my love for you burns strong.
The morning glows and the morning bird crows
my love for you burns strong.
If I see you today and a new song plays
you'll know the sight of this charm
I apologize now
if I can't slow down
from jumping right into your arms.
I love you.
Copyright ©
greenbird
... [
2007-08-02 16:58:36]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
Advertisments:
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sorry, comments are no longer allowed for anonymous, please register for a free membership to access this feature and more
|
|
All comments are owned by the poster. Your Poetry
Dot Com is not responsible for the content of any
comment.
That said, if you find an offensive comment, please
contact via the FeedBack Form with details, including poem title
etc.
|
|
|
Re: Right into your Arms
(User Rating: 1 )
by SoftHeartedAB on
Thursday, 2nd August 2007 @ 05:03:41 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
| Beautiful, i liked it. |
|
|
Re: Right into your Arms
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Thursday, 2nd August 2007 @ 05:33:16 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
i find it hard to place this in sad poetry if it has a happy ending of sorts. whereas this could have been a happy poem with a tragic ending and then it could have been a sad poem, usually its the ending that defines the piece.
some of the rhymes seemed forced, which reduced how smoothly it flowed because i began thinking you compromise better words, thoughts, etc for a rhyme. sometimes the singsongy effect of rhymes isnt worth it, if the meaning is more important. such as here, "But a new day turns
and better feelings churn
my love for you burns strong.
The morning glows and the morning bird crows
my love for you burns strong." turns, churns, burns, burns, glows, crows. so many words that rhyme in such close proximity is distracting from the poem and sounds repetitious and maybe even remedial (because there are thousands of words in the english language, and just using simple ones to rhyme isnt really relaying so much love by being creative and original with your love). you repeat morning twice in one line which again accentuates the repetitious nature of this part of the poem, and the line doesnt seem to matter at all even. the part i quoted can sound sweet (because when i isolated it...it sounded a lot better and rather sweetly innocent), but since it isnt set apart with a stanza..it seems completely out of place with the mood changing, the rhyming effect changing, and the thoughts changing abruptly. this poem obviously isnt done with a strict format, so instead of using rhymes as a formatted scheme or a bonus to your poem you just seemed to have forced them in too often to compromise better sounding lines. stanzas would help format your thoughts and moods in this poem though, instead of having such conflicting thoughts and moods battling with each other in one long stanza. it also makes each sentiment more powerful and stands out more.
what i liked most was your beginning rhyme, sleeping and reaping because it sounded natural and perfect. your ending was also great, since it made me smile. just remember that rhymes are tools of poetry, not necessary by any means-and forcing rhymes (which ive done plenty of times) actually takes away from the poem by not being creative, distracting, and limiting your poems potential. your heart's feelings here have been limited to churning and burning, when love does so many great things to us inside. on some side notes, you did have creativity with the lines about their feelings not being a toss of the coin. you also had some great flows throughout the piece (which for many people, such as i, can be hard to write). and its good to have such a contrast from beginning to ending. you had a horrible feeling in your gut, and then you felt love in your heart. very nice. you may think with all these suggestions that i think your poem is crap or something, but i dont think that at all. i think this piece is average, and that you expressed enough talent in this poem to be able to make it shine. all that brought this poem down was too many forced rhymes, and i know your talent is better than doing what 90 percent of the people here do. |
|
|
Re: Right into your Arms
(User Rating: 1 )
by wizard on
Thursday, 2nd August 2007 @ 11:16:50 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
very nicely done!
wiz |
|
|
Re: Right into your Arms
(User Rating: 1 )
by OneLastTime on
Friday, 3rd August 2007 @ 01:30:24 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
| Beautiful poem! |
|
|
|
· 
Poetry
Community
Members
Areas
Reference
Search
Top
Others
