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Array
(
[sid] => 135012
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Sleepless Nights
[time] => 2007-06-07 10:21:25
[hometext] =>
[bodytext] => I delay it; fill my time with insignificant tasks, Force it to the back of my mind that I’ll be going to bed soon, alone. I go through the motions of getting ready for sleep, Trying not to think about the night ahead, But when the light goes out I cannot hide anymore. In the darkness I am exposed and raw. The shadows encroach upon my mind, And I am too painfully aware that I am alone. My dreamlike thoughts are too loud in my head. My mind’s alchemist produces shadows which infiltrate my every thought, From which I attempt to escape, yet am always caught. Ephemeral glimpses of an ancient pain prick my consciousness, And too easily I am consumed and engulfed, By a darkness that radiates from the recesses of my fractured mind. And I cannot lock them out, The memories which play on the back of my closed eyes. And I watch myself as a child, Hurt and scarred. I want to run as I always did, but I cannot and again I am trapped, Not this time by a man, but by my mutinous mind. The tighter I close my eyes, the deeper I am drawn into that pain. And every night I must watch the little girl, Beaten and bruised, sore, scarred and helpless. Tainted by cruelty. I cry now as I was unable to as a child. I cry for the little girl who was too sad for tears, Who too young learned not to show weakness. And I watch her as she watches the mother, the sister and the brother. She cannot bare the screams and cries, They claw at and pierce her soul and sear and scar. That young courage which sought to protect those she loved, Always ended in scars. She is told it is her fault. Always her fault. The physical torments are healed, But the misplaced blame still burns into her soul. And every night I ache to tell her that it was not her fault, But she does not listen; will never listen. And I am that child again. Every night I am that child again. I hear my own admission that I am not to blame, But reason cannot prevent the misplaced guilt and blame from enveloping and choking me, And I can cry no longer and must swallow back the sadness which makes me weak. I open my eyes to hide from the torment, And lie awake to escape the darkness. Each sleepless night merges into a tormenting darkness which promises to return at the end of each day. I hide that I am tormented and broken, fractured and haunted, With a veneer constructed by my child self. But I am sad, and I am tormented, and I am alone. And I fear the darkness, And I dread that it will always be this way. [comments] => 2 [counter] => 165 [topic] => 75 [informant] => DeeMeister [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 5 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => anguished )
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