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Array
(
[sid] => 134070
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Secret
[time] => 2007-05-03 14:36:56
[hometext] => My release.....
[bodytext] => I'm going to tell a secret That my journal knows so well. I've never told anyone else, Even myself I refused to tell. Now 21 years later... I feel I must get it out. A secret that's been eating away. My soul scared, yet wants to shout. I lost my virginity at fourteen, To a boy who raped me rough... And as I begged him to stop... He continued to hold and touch. I remember crying...pushing...saying no! It felt like a sharp knife... Never wanted to lose it that way. Been haunted since for life. So I made myself forget about it. Blammed myself, bad choices made. Went on to live a difficult life. True intimacy I learned to evade. Always ending up with men, That never really cared. I became a single mom at 22, By one whom only left me scared. Has never shown his face, To the son which he denies. Perhaps that's a good thing... Cause he really wasn't a nice guy. He doesn't have a conscious, Don't think he ever did... And the day that I grew up, I spent giving birth to his kid. I put myself through college, Spent five years alone. Dealt with multiple health issues, Lose everything, end up back home. Fourth time of getting back up, I was on my feet again... Fell in love-head over heals, With a man whom my years I'd blindly allow to steal. For he was just another loser... Just another to never care. Now alone again...I think Life can really be unfair. So it is what it is... And I get what I've got... Never a blissful wedding... Never any forget me nots. But I guess that it's okay... It's what was meant to be. For I opened up to the man I loved, Yet he didn't like what there was to see. I'll never be so naieve again... Allowing secrets to eat away my soul... To open myself up like I did. To a man who's love would never grow. And as I write these pages... Tears fall and blurr the ink, It's okay because I'm letting go... I'll be better one day, I think. I feel some relief already, Now that I know why I do what I do... Why I choose the type of men That only lead me on and never follow through. Now that I've faced my demon... Soon I should begin to heal... Even if its decades later... Its never too late for something real. [comments] => 3 [counter] => 205 [topic] => 13 [informant] => sena [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 10 [ratings] => 2 [editpoem] => 0 [associated] => [topicname] => DarkPoetry )
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