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Array ( [sid] => 133517 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Pulse [time] => 2007-04-15 02:18:25 [hometext] => [bodytext] => Violet petals delicately bend with the breeze
With smells so sweet, and air so warm

Birds hum a crisp tune
As a young woman reaches for a bucket of boiling water from her outdoor fire

She lives alone, so beautiful
She is the flowers that land in her auburn hair

Fresh like the water in her pail
vibrant like a solitary bright color in a black and white landscape

I watch from afar, admiring from a safe distance
I can feel the life pulsing through her veins

I blush in admiration of her
As I claw my fingers down my wretched face

The blood gushes with each beat
My adrenaline courses a hatred in me

I wipe the cuts on my face and approach her
As she is about to enter her cottage in her fairytale

She is startled, not one lives within miles of her home
Still she brings a warm smile to her face for me

So beautiful,
You could see the life pulsing to her face

"How do you do sir? oh my goodness, are you hurt?
I can surely get a bandage for your face," she sincerely spoke.

"This won't be neccesary," I reply
"Though twould heal my wounds to carry that pail for you"

Her face scanned me, she was unsure.
"I would be very grateful," she lied. " It does get heavier each day,"

I extinguished the labor of her heavy weight
Yet that was the least of her troubles at this point

I heaved and parried and the water splashed onto her head
Skin instantly blistered and trickled down her face

She screamed in horror and clawed at her skull
As her flesh oozed over her fingertips

And I lifted an axe from some lumber, so high in the air
Delivering a blow that lopped her now grotesque head clean off

It rolled into a tree
And she fell to her knees

I can feel the life flowing from her veins [comments] => 1 [counter] => 157 [topic] => 13 [informant] => Spellofnature [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 4 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => DarkPoetry )

Pulse

Contributed by Spellofnature on Sunday, 15th April 2007 @ 02:18:25 AM in AEST
Topic: DarkPoetry

Violet petals delicately bend with the breeze
With smells so sweet, and air so warm

Birds hum a crisp tune
As a young woman reaches for a bucket of boiling water from her outdoor fire

She lives alone, so beautiful
She is the flowers that land in her auburn hair

Fresh like the water in her pail
vibrant like a solitary bright color in a black and white landscape

I watch from afar, admiring from a safe distance
I can feel the life pulsing through her veins

I blush in admiration of her
As I claw my fingers down my wretched face

The blood gushes with each beat
My adrenaline courses a hatred in me

I wipe the cuts on my face and approach her
As she is about to enter her cottage in her fairytale

She is startled, not one lives within miles of her home
Still she brings a warm smile to her face for me

So beautiful,
You could see the life pulsing to her face

"How do you do sir? oh my goodness, are you hurt?
I can surely get a bandage for your face," she sincerely spoke.

"This won't be neccesary," I reply
"Though twould heal my wounds to carry that pail for you"

Her face scanned me, she was unsure.
"I would be very grateful," she lied. " It does get heavier each day,"

I extinguished the labor of her heavy weight
Yet that was the least of her troubles at this point

I heaved and parried and the water splashed onto her head
Skin instantly blistered and trickled down her face

She screamed in horror and clawed at her skull
As her flesh oozed over her fingertips

And I lifted an axe from some lumber, so high in the air
Delivering a blow that lopped her now grotesque head clean off

It rolled into a tree
And she fell to her knees

I can feel the life flowing from her veins

Copyright © Spellofnature ... [ 2007-04-15 02:18:25]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Pulse (User Rating: 1 )
by lostinmyself on Sunday, 15th April 2007 @ 08:03:28 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

This is....disturbing.

I love the scene you painted, you definitely have a way with words, and the opening was beautiful. However, the end was... it just didn't work for me. I understand what you wrote, but I think the 'story' was cut too short and rather abrupt in...well..everything, really.

I think you need to let each sentence flow into the next, a little more, to make it more even.

Anyway, good write, I still, after all that, think it was done well.

*hugs*
Phyllis xxx
(Who wasnt really execting that ending)

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