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Array
(
[sid] => 131485
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Late Night Thoughts
[time] => 2007-02-07 08:21:11
[hometext] => I wrote this a couple of years ago.... but it still holds true today.
[bodytext] => It’s now night, the time when all good girls should be in bed, And so I am, not asleep, but lying here wishing I was dead. I guess maybe people are mistaken when they think that I am good, That everything is so lovely and nice, I just wish that someone understood. My life is easy compared to what some people go through, Yet in my mind I’m so screwed up I don’t know what to do. Am I crazy for being the way that I am? When all of my life I’ve been nothing but a miserable sham? I know it’s not right, how could everything be so wrong? Just to be me, insecurities and all is for what I long. But I’m not, nor will I ever let myself be, Only one person could possibly understand me. Sometimes I think that even he couldn’t care, My life isn’t for me; it’s as if I’m not really there. I dare only to be something that I am not, With no reason to act as if I have all that I’ve got. I know that he is disappointed with the way that I’ve turned out, Sometimes I am too and I just want to scream and shout. To rail at the heavens, Why did this have to happen this way? The clouds just roll on by with out a word to say. No one takes me seriously; I am just a joke, Something to be amused by, it sickens me ‘til I almost choke. These feelings I feel are at times traitorous at best, Taking perverse pleasure in knowing I’ve failed some great test. Believing that he loves me whatever I may fail, Knowing just the same that when I do he will condemn me to hell. How am I supposed to do what is considered to be right? When all my effort is put into my daily fight. The fight for survival, just so that I can live, Oh to have the courage to die, what I wouldn’t give. I feel as if my best could never be enough, I know life isn’t fair, but does it have to be so tough? At times I am ashamed of my self pitying streak, But guess what, I never said I wasn’t weak. No one ever gets to see my underlying bleakness, Nobody can ever know of my hated weakness. Frailty is not allowed in my self constructed reality, I am always perfect in my infallibility. This screwed up person inside of me no one will ever see, All that they get is the fake and perfect me. Everyday I m forced to hide the way that I feel, No one can ever know, I know the deal. Maybe he knows this twisted person inside, The person that has withered away and almost died. The night is now far from young, when all good girls should be asleep, Maybe I should go and pray to God that all my secrets he will keep. [comments] => 2 [counter] => 183 [topic] => 13 [informant] => Bon [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 11 [ratings] => 3 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => DarkPoetry )
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