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Array ( [sid] => 131455 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Torture [time] => 2007-02-06 16:11:12 [hometext] => I am new to this forum and would love some constructive criticism due to the fact that I have never shared it with anyone. Thanks! [bodytext] => I despise you, your countenance. As it tortures my very soul and binds me to your voice. I despise the fact that you alone can kill me at will, kill me with your gaze, kill me with the exposure of your rosy flesh.
As I lay here today. Brief is the time you spend with me. Why do you not stay? Do you choose to be with another? The air is cool but I sweat. I imagine our bodies become as one just as the river styx and phrygea. Drenched in our own fluids will be the indestructible ritual in which not even the almighty god can touch us with all of his endless vigor. The angels will swoop down from the heavens and let their wings be torn by the scorching heat of our breath.
Let there be light and darkness, good and evil, right and wrong, and then let there be us. We two that were each, are now but one, and now that is all, and now this is our moment. Precious is this moment, this is the moment of our lives. Let not tyranny judge us, for they wish to cast away our nature, for they attempt to separate us when we are but one. One entity and that is all......
[comments] => 3 [counter] => 204 [topic] => 2 [informant] => sin [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 10 [ratings] => 2 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => LovePoetry )

Torture

Contributed by sin on Tuesday, 6th February 2007 @ 04:11:12 PM in AEST
Topic: LovePoetry

I despise you, your countenance. As it tortures my very soul and binds me to your voice. I despise the fact that you alone can kill me at will, kill me with your gaze, kill me with the exposure of your rosy flesh.
As I lay here today. Brief is the time you spend with me. Why do you not stay? Do you choose to be with another? The air is cool but I sweat. I imagine our bodies become as one just as the river styx and phrygea. Drenched in our own fluids will be the indestructible ritual in which not even the almighty god can touch us with all of his endless vigor. The angels will swoop down from the heavens and let their wings be torn by the scorching heat of our breath.
Let there be light and darkness, good and evil, right and wrong, and then let there be us. We two that were each, are now but one, and now that is all, and now this is our moment. Precious is this moment, this is the moment of our lives. Let not tyranny judge us, for they wish to cast away our nature, for they attempt to separate us when we are but one. One entity and that is all......

Copyright © sin ... [ 2007-02-06 16:11:12]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Torture (User Rating: 1 )
by PhantomVampyress on Tuesday, 6th February 2007 @ 08:05:31 PM AEST
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I think this is a very powerful piece and very emotionally felt piece.. I love the ending.. I don't particularly care for the paragraph way of set up sometimes its ok.. but this is a wonderful piece.. thanks for sharing

vampyress Jenni

Re: Torture (User Rating: 1 )
by yangdantien on Tuesday, 13th February 2007 @ 07:23:02 PM AEST
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I hear your work
in a pace
like slam.

Poetry spoken
on the edge a desk,
hands move
punctuating
your communication
and presto
you catch your breath,
to sit,
resting on
a word.

This is a good draft. Look at some line structure with subject in context the noun & verb dance . Just mentioning words is not enough BUT you do have the force of poetry's nature in you. Please keep your pen flowing. Think of it as a tool for capturing your rhythm of speech. Cut out unnecessary parts. The real art some suggest is in omission, simply knowing what to leave out. Read it aloud and build it on the page accordingly. Then post it is like a infinite volley on an excellent game of desktop tennis.

Peace
Yangdantien

Re: Torture (User Rating: 1 )
by DrowningHeart on Wednesday, 11th April 2007 @ 04:43:02 AM AEST
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In my opinion poetry is an art of expression, that will be interpreted differently by each reader. Your piece has a lot of emotion which is a great beginning. When reading it, I thought it to be dark, still alot of passion. I think the layout can be a little different. Thank you for sharing.

Blessed be,
D

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