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Array ( [sid] => 129453 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Child In Despair [time] => 2006-12-15 15:57:11 [hometext] => [bodytext] => This girl I see.
Sleeping.
In the cold.
In nothingness.
In despair.
Her life seemed as if it wasn't at ease.
Everything was so hard and challenging.
Even at a young age.
She had to grow up very early and had to raise herself.
I looked at her and then she looked at me as if I'm poison.
As if I'm a disease.
I held out my hand and tried to help her.
But, she refused.
I stayed out in the cold for the longest and she still didn't seem to grab my hand.
I decided that I shouldn't even dare to try no longer simply because sometimes others don't seem to trust anyone.
At all.
Not even their own family.
Even when you try to help them.
So you can give them guidance. [comments] => 1 [counter] => 175 [topic] => 13 [informant] => BabiBoricua314 [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => DarkPoetry )

Child In Despair

Contributed by BabiBoricua314 on Friday, 15th December 2006 @ 03:57:11 PM in AEST
Topic: DarkPoetry

This girl I see.
Sleeping.
In the cold.
In nothingness.
In despair.
Her life seemed as if it wasn't at ease.
Everything was so hard and challenging.
Even at a young age.
She had to grow up very early and had to raise herself.
I looked at her and then she looked at me as if I'm poison.
As if I'm a disease.
I held out my hand and tried to help her.
But, she refused.
I stayed out in the cold for the longest and she still didn't seem to grab my hand.
I decided that I shouldn't even dare to try no longer simply because sometimes others don't seem to trust anyone.
At all.
Not even their own family.
Even when you try to help them.
So you can give them guidance.

Copyright © BabiBoricua314 ... [ 2006-12-15 15:57:11]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Child In Despair (User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on Friday, 15th December 2006 @ 11:27:58 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

i liked the possible twist in this. the possible twist could be that you are a family member and she doesnt trust you, but if its different than that, then it really takes away from the poem. i think you could have added some despair related words and imagery to this to make this more of a heartwrenching piece for the reader to feel pity for the girl. for the reader to want to hold out their hand to the girl even, you were almost there. added more punctuation and line breaks would really accentuate a depressing atmosphere. perhaps a tragic ending would have made this poem feel full of despair as well. good post. =]

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