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Array
(
[sid] => 125758
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => i am so tired
[time] => 2006-09-14 21:11:07
[hometext] => This is not really a poem but I really needed to write to make me feel a little better
[bodytext] => I am tired, so very tired, I can feel myself withering away I go through these phases where I am I strong and then I am weak When I am weak I feel I am crazy I feel like I have lost my mind I feel as if though nothing is real I feel dead I look in the mirror and I am disgusted by my reflection At what I have become An addict I feel I can’t control it, but I am not sure if I am even trying to control it The more I beat myself up about it, the more I crave I want to feel numb I know that it is my addiction that feeds my depression Ironically it was my depression that started my addiction I am angry because I can’t get back to normal, whatever normal is I know I am addicted because in order to feel normal I have to use I cannot function without it Taking a shower, getting dressed, or even just getting up period is an enormous task when I am not using In order for me to carry out a normal day I have to use I am tired of it I want to quit I don’t want to have to use just to feel “normal” There have been times when I am outside and I see people walking around and talking Or just having fun and I find myself feeling jealous Because I so badly want to have natural energy I want to know what it feels like to get up and start my day without even thinking about this drug I can barely remember me being able to do that I know that being sober can be done, but I keep hitting these barriers I have written so many poems on my addiction and my family I have told you that I have kids and I am pretty sure that I was looked down upon because of that And whatever bad thing you may think about me I totally agree But yes I am I mother and an addict And no those two things should not go with one another but if you would Take a look at which one of those two things I said first you will see that I am A mother before anything else Nothing is more important then their well-being and health I have had people ask me don’t I even care that I may have my kids taken away But my question to them is don’t you think I think about that everyday? I love my kids with all my heart and I would just die if we were ever torn apart But it is hard. And before you cast me away let me tell you this There is a difference between imagining how hard something is and actually knowing And feeling how hard something is So unless you have felt how hard it can be please don't tell me it shouldn't be hard because I have kids Because if that were the case then this wouldn't even be an issue for me You see if I were to stop using today, then tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, for at least two weeks I will not be able to get out of bed That is just to get over the withdraw Which would be okay but who is going to watch my kids and make sure That they are fed, should I just let them fend for themselves No, I cannot, and will not do that I would love to go into a home, but do I leave my kids out here to survive on their own And I will not take them in one of those places with me I don’t want them to see the horrible person that I will become when I am going through withdraw And if I go into a home what about my house and my job I cannot afford to lose either one of them I am not a bad person I take care of my kids, help them with their homework, I work, cook, clean So I use to keep up But like I said I am tired I am falling apart I put up a front and act like everything is okay And then at night I cry I am so tired [comments] => 3 [counter] => 244 [topic] => 61 [informant] => babylugz [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => selfstruggles )
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