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(
[sid] => 125094
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Did you ever really?
[time] => 2006-08-30 04:57:25
[hometext] => helpful tips welcome..new at this
[bodytext] => Did you ever see me?
Or was it someone else.
Did you ever really see me?
Did I ever touch your heart?
When we made love.
Did I ever really touch your heart?
Did you ever listen?
When I whispered, I love you.
Did you ever really listen?
Did you ever taste me?
When we kissed.
Did you ever really taste me?
Did you ever breathe the fragrance of me?
Or only of the other
Did you ever really breathe the fragrance of me?
[comments] => 6
[counter] => 259
[topic] => 22
[informant] => StormyNites
[notes] =>
[ihome] => 0
[alanguage] => english
[acomm] => 0
[haspoll] => 0
[pollID] => 0
[score] => 5
[ratings] => 1
[editpoem] => 1
[associated] =>
[topicname] => LostLove
)
Did you ever really?
Contributed by
StormyNites
on
Wednesday, 30th August 2006 @ 04:57:25 AM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
Did you ever see me?
Or was it someone else.
Did you ever really see me?
Did I ever touch your heart?
When we made love.
Did I ever really touch your heart?
Did you ever listen?
When I whispered, I love you.
Did you ever really listen?
Did you ever taste me?
When we kissed.
Did you ever really taste me?
Did you ever breathe the fragrance of me?
Or only of the other
Did you ever really breathe the fragrance of me?
Copyright ©
StormyNites
... [
2006-08-30 04:57:25]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Did you ever really?
(User Rating: 1 )
by JockPhillips on
Wednesday, 30th August 2006 @ 03:59:34 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| I liked the poem, but I think you could close it stronger. You set up a nice consistent form and followed it, which can be good. But a system needs to be broken to either reinforce its strengths or expose its weaknesses. Both can be desirable. Try tagging something completely outlandish onto the end of it. |
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Re: Did you ever really?
(User Rating: 1 )
by Skillz on
Thursday, 31st August 2006 @ 01:34:46 AM AEST
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| simple..yet sad...nice poem |
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Re: Did you ever really?
(User Rating: 1 )
by ever1der on
Thursday, 31st August 2006 @ 03:58:03 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
you asked for tips.. well, here is my input for what it's worth..
I would re-arrange the wording, for example..
Did you ever really see me,
or was someone else in view?
When I whispered did you listen..
When I said, "I love you."
just a thought..
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Re: Did you ever really?
(User Rating: 1 )
by TwistedCage on
Friday, 1st September 2006 @ 07:45:07 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Stormy, I think you have a decent foundation here. But, the repetative "Really's" kind of distracted my attention from this piece. It seemed as though, you were attempting to put an emphasis on them, and I understand why. Maybe "Truly" would be a better word in some parts? To me, "truly" sounds a bit more poetic, and conveys a more raw feeling in certain areas. I'm going to give you some suggestions that might clean the piece up a bit. I'm keeping it within the original structure, as I assume you want it that way. I needed to go into detail, so I hope you don't mind. :)
I tried to send this via PM, but it wouldn't let me./shrug (I'm Sorry)
The first stanza would read:
"Did you ever see me,
or was it someone else?
Did you ever really see me?"
The seconed stanza I would add a bit to the seconed line, and keep it within the sentence of the first. (I'd also exlude the word "ever" from the first line keeping "ever "the point of focus in the last, and exclude the word "really")
It would read something like this:
"Did I touch your heart,
the times we made love?
Did I ever touch your heart?
The third stanza, like the two previous, I'd keep the first two lines in one sentence. (I'd also put "I love you" in quotations)
It would read something like this:
Did you ever listen,
when I whispered "I love you"?
Did you ever truly listen?
The fourth stanza, I would follow suit, and I would add more, or rather (change it up a bit) the seconed line. But, I would use "really" here instead of "truly". I think it just fits better in this case...
It would read something like this:
Did you ever taste me,
the times our lips met?
Did you ever really taste me?
The fourth stanza I would change "fragrance" to "essence", and I would change up the very last line just to put a finish on the piece.
It would read something like this:
Did you ever breath my essence,
or only of the other?
Tell me, did you ever even know me all?
You might change the title to "Did You Ever"
With my suggestions, the finished piece would read something like this:
Did you ever see me,
or was it someone else?
Did you ever really see me?
Did I touch your heart,
the times we made love?
Did I ever touch your heart?
Did you ever listen,
when I whispered "I love you"?
Did you ever truly listen?
Did you ever taste me,
the times our lips met?
Did you ever really taste me?
Did you ever breath my essence,
or only of the other?
Tell me, did you ever even know me all?
I did this only because you asked. I hope it helps a bit, or maybe it will give you something more to work with? I'm not great at critique, or advice, so take this into consideration...
Much Love, |
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Re: Did you ever really?
(User Rating: 1 )
by StormyNites on
Friday, 1st September 2006 @ 12:02:20 PM AEST
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a Message)
|
| Very nice !! I like how you did that,,you've reworded it well and it really does give more of the emotion I was trying to convey !! I'm not going to repost the new poem..I want to leave it here as is ..that way hopefully anyone else out there struggling with words reads the changes and it helps them as it helps me. Thanks all for input. |
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Re: Did you ever really?
(User Rating: 1 )
by Uncertain_Oblivion on
Friday, 8th September 2006 @ 12:46:21 PM AEST
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a Message)
|
| I liked it. And there was nothing majorly wrong with it at all. I'm sure by you just going through and reading it outloud, you could very easily re-word it and it come out perfect as it is now perfect, but just needs that "final touch-up" I hope I haven't offended you, as I am not a professional critique or writer...just giving you the same advise I give myself all the time. But overall, I thought it was very good and also sad. I felt it and that was your goal I'm sure. |
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