Your Poetry Dot Com

Welcome to Your Poetry Dot Com - Read, Rate, Comment on, or Submit Poetry. Browse Poetry Forums, or just enjoy other parts of our poetic community.
One of the largest databases of poetry on the net, now over 198,500+ poems!

Poems On Site: 198,500+ Comments On Poems: 427,000+ Forum Posts: 105,000+

Custom Search


Welcome !	Home · FAQ · Topics · Web Links · Your Account · Submit Poetry · Top 30 · OldSite Link	29-May 18:05:43 AEST

Menu

· Our eBay Store

· Error Submit

Poetry

· Submit Poetry

· Least Read Poems

· Members Listing

· Old Site Post 2001

· Old Site Pre 2001

· Poetry Archive

· Public Domain Poetry

Stories

· Stories (NEW ! )

· Submit Story

· Story Topics

· Stories Archive

· Story Search

Community

· Our Poetry Forums

· Our Arcade
100's of Games !

Site Help

· FAQ

· Feedback

Members Areas

· Your Account

· Members Journals

· Premium Sign-Up

Premium Section

· Special Section

· Premium Poems

· Premium Submit

· Premium Search

· Premium Archive

· Premium Topics

Fun & Games

· Jokes

· Bubble Puzzle

· Cross Word Easy

· Word Hunt

Reference

· Dictionary (Rhyming)

· Site Updates

· Special Content

Search

Top

Help This Site

· Donations

Others

· Moderators

Our Other Sites

· Embroidery Design Store
· Your Jokes
· Special Urls
· JM Embroideries
· Public Domain Poetry and Stories
· Diamond Dotz
· Cooking Info and Recipes
· Quoof - Australian Story

Social

Array ( [sid] => 123705 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => What Next? [time] => 2006-07-26 15:34:44 [hometext] => VERY NEW TO POETRY! ANY GOOD CRITICS OUT THERE???? THANKS!!!!! [bodytext] => Our notion is noxious
Our purpose profound

We've lost far more than we have found

The air is un-conscious
Your hand is un-clad

Minds are blank, our expressions are sad

I try to remember the good that we had
You try to forget times that were bad

We'll pick up the pieces as they get in our way
Then wipe away tears-a small price to pay

Should we surrender, or shall we defeat?
An alliance like ours? Impossible to beat [comments] => 5 [counter] => 168 [topic] => 16 [informant] => jellybelly_23 [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => FriendshipPoetry )

What Next?

Contributed by jellybelly_23 on Wednesday, 26th July 2006 @ 03:34:44 PM in AEST
Topic: FriendshipPoetry

Our notion is noxious
Our purpose profound

We've lost far more than we have found

The air is un-conscious
Your hand is un-clad

Minds are blank, our expressions are sad

I try to remember the good that we had
You try to forget times that were bad

We'll pick up the pieces as they get in our way
Then wipe away tears-a small price to pay

Should we surrender, or shall we defeat?
An alliance like ours? Impossible to beat

Copyright © jellybelly_23 ... [ 2006-07-26 15:34:44]
(Date/Time posted on site)

Advertisments:

Previous Posted Poem | | Next Posted Poem

Sorry, comments are no longer allowed for anonymous, please register for a free membership to access this feature and more

All comments are owned by the poster. Your Poetry Dot Com is not responsible for the content of any comment.
That said, if you find an offensive comment, please contact via the FeedBack Form with details, including poem title etc.

Re: What Next? (User Rating: 1 )
by holstein on Wednesday, 26th July 2006 @ 04:02:25 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

jellybelly, you wrote that you're new to poetry, if that's the case, you're off to a good start:)

I like stanza 1 and 3, those are good - clear and succinct, in fact, the combination of notion and noxious plays well with line two.
May I sugest that you expand your stanza's and decrease the number of rhyming words used in them. Rhyming in poetry can be good, in fact it works quite well in yours, but it is dangerous to use it merely for the porpuse of rhyming. I believe you can rewrite your last 3 stanzas, with this in mind, and actually improve upon them. Just remember, be consise! Good luck.

Re: What Next? (User Rating: 1 )
by xxbreathlessx on Wednesday, 26th July 2006 @ 04:06:37 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

i completly agree with the comment above! holstien was it? anyways, they give very good advice, i did the same thing with the rhyming when i first started to write and i look back and see how unnatural the flow is...thats when i just started writing from the heart and its gone better. for being new though i would say you did a very good job! keep up the writing i look foward to seeing your progress!

Re: What Next? (User Rating: 1 )
by Keilantra on Wednesday, 26th July 2006 @ 07:16:04 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

i'll say this is a good start if your new to poetry. mine was nowhere near as advanced/good.

i liked that what you had here was abstract-ish and definately original. the first stanza is drawing to ther eader so thts a plus.

what i didnt like htough, was a bit of your rhyme scheme. you tend to fall into the cliches like sad/bad/had. and to mem those are very overdone. but i understand that sometimes we have no choice, right?

i hope i have helped. keep writing, you have talent and show promise. i'll be checking!

welcome to YPCD!

xXx

~kei

Re: What Next? (User Rating: 1 )
by richcol7522 on Wednesday, 26th July 2006 @ 10:37:51 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

For just beginning you did a pretty good job. I agree with the comments above about your rhyming but you are definitely off to a good start. Although I have been writting for a while I havent let many people read my work so I am looking for some good critics too...read some of my work and let me know what you think. Keep up the good work and I will be checking back from time to time to see you progress.

Take care-
Rich

Re: What Next? (User Rating: 1 )
by The_Unknown on Thursday, 27th July 2006 @ 04:41:50 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

You're at a good start :)
keep it up. I look forward to seeing more of your poetry!
Luvs ya!
Jess

While every care is taken to ensure the general sites content is family safe, our moderators cannot be in all places; all the time. Please report poetry and or comments that are in breach of our site rules HERE (Please include poem title or url). Parents also please ensure that you supervise your children well when they are on the internet; regardless of what a site says about being, or being considered, child-safe.

Poetry is much like a great photo, a single "moment in time" capturing many feelings and emotions. Yet, they are very alive; creating stirrings within the readers who form visual "pictures" of the expressed emotions within the Poem. ©

Opinions expressed in the poetry, comments, forums etc. on this site are not necessarily those of this site, its owners and/or operators; but of the individuals who post items to this site.
Frequently Asked Questions | | | Privacy Policy | | | Contact Webmaster

All submitted items are Copyright © to their submitter. All the rest Copyright © 2002-2050 by Your Poetry Dot Com

All logos and trademarks in this site are property of their respective owners.

Script Generation Time: 0.052 Seconds. - View our Site Map | .© your-poetry.com