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Array ( [sid] => 112947 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Silence [time] => 2006-01-10 21:06:09 [hometext] => any suggestions on revising...please comment. [bodytext] => My eyes bleed dry tears.

My fist clench,
resisting my pain.

I inhale stale air,
unbearable to my lungs.

I try to project my voice
it remains too weak;
too raspy.

My heart percusses a violent rhythm
provoked by a perpetual fear-
the blows knock me to my feet

I hit the ground and reside in silence. [comments] => 2 [counter] => 451 [topic] => 61 [informant] => DeeDat [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => selfstruggles )

Silence

Contributed by DeeDat on Tuesday, 10th January 2006 @ 09:06:09 PM in AEST
Topic: selfstruggles

My eyes bleed dry tears.

My fist clench,
resisting my pain.

I inhale stale air,
unbearable to my lungs.

I try to project my voice
it remains too weak;
too raspy.

My heart percusses a violent rhythm
provoked by a perpetual fear-
the blows knock me to my feet

I hit the ground and reside in silence.

Copyright © DeeDat ... [ 2006-01-10 21:06:09]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Silence (User Rating: 1 )
by OzChick on Tuesday, 10th January 2006 @ 10:24:15 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

Lucky me, I'm the first to comment, yay!
This is a powerful self struggle poem.
The second line though doesn't sound right.
I'm thinking - 'My fists clench' would sound better.
Good write all the same, keep it up.
~Jenny~

Re: Silence (User Rating: 1 )
by enigma on Wednesday, 11th January 2006 @ 09:05:42 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

...you project a lot of energy, emotion, feistiness...a lot of heart and soul...that's what poetry is suppose to do...I wouldn't presume to suggest changes...responding to others' poetry I expressed it as "authenticity..."...from my perspective, authenticity is much more valuable than politically correct grammatical customs...your poetry is you...you are your poetry...own it and Love it...watch it grow and develop...it is what you see that is important...

...good job...you packed a lot of punch in just a few words...you didn't overburden it with more and more words...I like that...

...thanks for sharing...

ron...enigma

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