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Array
(
[sid] => 111253
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => miserable satisfaction / affirmation of armageddon
[time] => 2005-12-10 20:04:38
[hometext] =>
[bodytext] => miserable satisfaction affirmation of armageddon Nails of a slanting silver or black in the distance of yesterday remembered… Vivid fantasies undermined by shadows and malicious code, all joyful thoughts poisoned. A reaching strangling with bony fingers and a decayed grin. Until, alas, you are nothing but a vehicle of my insecurities. I can’t write like you with a pencil of pen’d keyboard black. Why even try, my toes are cold like Russia and the jacket I’ve just been given. Dad hugged me today, told me he loved me. I can’t think without frowning of you, in anxiety, and dismayal. … It’s not true and I believe it. Panic and fear to hear from you an affirmation of armageddon… …until your words love me with raspberry jam caresses, Honey’d smiles and laughter of seraphim. Your lips on mine tell me I’m silly with no words… Yet all is negated by all that I am. And wretched vomit squirts on my carpet and my bed, suits repulsion of this place; try to be nothing you are not, Be what you aren’t but need? It’s still filthy. And however pleasurable, I’m still a disease. Will I ever be able to think of you without fear? Shall I abandon this to be what I convince myself I am? I don’t like how the weather fluxes. And so I shall lock myself inside a freezer of my own mind. For a consistent temperature, and no spoonfuls of sugar. I tell myself with clenched fists, [beating the ***** out of the girl next door] “This is untrue!” (as I pace) “Discontinue this!” (and collapse…) I will not cease to rape you with my mind and You will never be pure in my thoughts. If you leave me I will be right. If you don’t I know I will be Eventually If you love me it will fade. If you don’t it’s all my fault. Miserable Satisfaction. An affirmation of self-pity. A childish dependency on a safer self, A numb frozen death in a very cold freezer. [2005-12-08 22:55:21] [comments] => 4 [counter] => 199 [topic] => 61 [informant] => SensitiveSoAbused [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 10 [ratings] => 4 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => selfstruggles )
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