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Array
(
[sid] => 110220
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => And The Flesh Grew Numb
[time] => 2005-11-22 22:39:36
[hometext] => ::Critique/comments greatly appreciated:: A little creepy I know, but I kinda like it.
[bodytext] => The burning never ceases --
But this time, it's not my flesh.
I feel it now inside my chest;
Sealed up scar tissue longs for the blade.
Let me reach inside and scratch something strange
I want to carve it out,
this aching heart,
replace the guilt with blood;
Forget it all in the name of love.
Make this fire burn down to embers
before it consumes my soul,
for I know every note
of this grief wrought poem.
The shame lies openly at my feet;
A knife in my hand as I go to sleep.
[comments] => 2
[counter] => 170
[topic] => 75
[informant] => TeenageDirtbag
[notes] =>
[ihome] => 0
[alanguage] => english
[acomm] => 0
[haspoll] => 0
[pollID] => 0
[score] => 0
[ratings] => 0
[editpoem] => 1
[associated] =>
[topicname] => anguished
)
And The Flesh Grew Numb
Contributed by
TeenageDirtbag
on
Tuesday, 22nd November 2005 @ 10:39:36 PM in AEST
Topic:
anguished
|
The burning never ceases --
But this time, it's not my flesh.
I feel it now inside my chest;
Sealed up scar tissue longs for the blade.
Let me reach inside and scratch something strange
I want to carve it out,
this aching heart,
replace the guilt with blood;
Forget it all in the name of love.
Make this fire burn down to embers
before it consumes my soul,
for I know every note
of this grief wrought poem.
The shame lies openly at my feet;
A knife in my hand as I go to sleep.
Copyright ©
TeenageDirtbag
... [
2005-11-22 22:39:36]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: And The Flesh Grew Numb
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Wednesday, 23rd November 2005 @ 01:12:48 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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I loved it, well done!
Keep it up :) |
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Re: And The Flesh Grew Numb
(User Rating: 1 )
by Kano on
Wednesday, 23rd November 2005 @ 07:59:38 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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I normally don't read poems like this but once I start something I hate to stop.
I really don't have much experience with these types of poems but I could give it a shot. Note: Im not trying to tell you anything
negative and I don't want you to think I am
trying to get you to change it because I don't
This is just one view and idea from someone
else ok?
YOU WROTE
The burning never ceases --
But this time, it's not my flesh
E.G.: The burning flames of guilt never cease to bring me pain
Deep inside my veins I hear the blood call to me by name
Who's flesh was burning before? or is
Something else on you burning and why?
Im just giving examples of what I get out of
the poem and the words I might use
"I feel it now inside my chest;
Sealed up scar tissue longs for the blade"
"Let me reach inside and scratch something strange"
E.G.: It's a raging sea of red that races through my chest
Maybe with the stroke of a blade I can finally get some rest
Is it the scar tissue that you are feeling?
Or is the scar tissue burning?
Why would you scratch something with a
knife? You know what you were thinking when
you wrote this but some readers may have a
problem understanding what you were trying
To tell them. So far you have something that's
burning, not your flesh, but you can feel it in
Your chest. Scar tissue that needs to be
Scratched. Ok so you are wanting to cut
Yourself. I think I know what you are saying,
Im just trying to explain how this could be a
Little confusing to others.
"I want to carve it out,
this aching heart,"
replace the guilt with blood;
Forget it all in the name of love."
E.G.: I want to carve my heart out for all of you to see
Then you might understand just how much she means to me
Ok good you explained what you wanted to
carve out. Replace the guilt of what with blood and
Forget what in the name of love? All what?
"Make this fire burn down to embers
before it consumes my soul"
E.G.: Somehow make this fire inside reduce its self to ash
Because with each new stroke I take one may be my last
Ok what is the fire symbolizing?
In the examples I made the fire symbolize guilt and I used ash because when a fire is over there is only ash and that's the end, its over
"for I know every note
of this grief wrought poem"
E.G.. I'm am constantly haunted by every stitch that I have sewn
And now deep inside of me, my grief is now my home
Well of course you know it, you wrote it I hope
LOL little joke. But a note makes me think of
music or something that is just jotted down
On a piece of paper I went a different way with it. The stitch represents the cuts or actions one has taken.
"The shame lies openly at my feet;
A knife in my hand as I go to sleep."
E.G.:The shame of losing you now flows towards my feet
A knife in my hand now as I finally go to sleep
This line has excellent flow to it, but who's
shame are you talking about here and shame
of what?
Well that's about all I can give ya I kinda scared myself writing that stuff and I hope that some of my examples help you out some
Again, I am not trying to say how you should write, everyone has their own style and even though I may not understand yours or someone else's It is still your work and it does not matter what people really think about it. Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work, It is a good poem |
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