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Reflection in the Water
Contributed by
Unbreakable
on
Friday, 18th November 2005 @ 08:27:47 PM in AEST
Topic:
Lifepoems
|
Gaze deep into the teal abyss
Enveloped in a lucid mist
Feet planted firmly on the cable
Reflection absorbed in the past
Never expecting it to last
I will hold out should I feel able
This life so insignificant
And fuelled by one so ignorant
Shaking hands will hold me high
Yet so important to that one
The prospect of the rising sun
That won’t look down, but to the sky
Though what if I could just jump in,
And bathe in all forgotten sin?
Should hands undo the chains that keep
Or what if I just let me fall?
A memory unto you all
Who falters falls as those who weep
Imperfect now and shattered here
For reasons not remotely clear
On contact, water is cement
To see life from the other side
To know a truth that never lied
Plunge through that wall to deep descent
Reflection through the looking glass
A mirror that I failed to pass
Now understand the life I gave
I watch unchanging, untransformed
While everyday, new theories formed
For another I could save
To be rid of all naivety
To know a life that’s yet to be
I watch with my unmoving eyes
Ignoring each and every doubt
In what this life could be about
To tired hearts and broken ties
Look through the water down below
I walk away to never know
Feet planted firmly on the cable
To move beyond what I can’t see
What is this world if not naïve?
I will hold out for I am able
Copyright ©
Unbreakable
... [
2005-11-18 20:27:47]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Reflection in the Water
(User Rating: 1 )
by lostinmyself on
Friday, 18th November 2005 @ 08:45:44 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Ok, I love your rhyme scheme in this, it's rather a nice change from the usual AABB or ABAB I see. I also like how you seem to go in a circle with your words, starting and ending with similar thoughts.
I like how you view things,
Great write,
*hugs*
Phil xxx
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Re: Reflection in the Water
(User Rating: 1 )
by faith_my_eyes on
Saturday, 19th November 2005 @ 09:38:42 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| Excellent! The description of you standing on a bridge looking into the water was so strong I was picturing it in my mind. As Phyllis said, the rhyme scheme was great, and the last line was written with conviction. Once again, well done. |
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Re: Reflection in the Water
(User Rating: 1 )
by fielding88 on
Saturday, 19th November 2005 @ 01:32:52 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| It's so refreshing to see such a neat bit of rhyming in this write. It wasn't at all conventional, and I very much enjoyed how you were able to change it up here. The best part about this write was the ending, and I just have a thing for good endings. The way with which you linked the final stanza to the first was genius, and the italics in the poem appear to stand alone as their own bit of storytelling, which drives the whole thing. This was just impressive, and the idea of a naive world is a great one. I think it was quite the theme in this write. Excellent re-write, I should hunt down the original. |
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