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Array
(
[sid] => 109582
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Suicidal Purpose
[time] => 2005-11-12 11:50:14
[hometext] => Can I write? I mean... the people in my class don't even clap after I read poetry.. feedback please
[bodytext] => You look at me
with those dark and judging eyes.
But you don’t see much,
just all those horrid lies.
You’d never know
what really happened because you don’t even care.
You don’t know what you do,
but I’m telling you it’s there.
It's invisible and you don't realize it
until it's way too late.
I'm telling you right now
that simple thing is hate.
It breaks the hearts of many,
to be looked at as a nothing.
But you don’t know what it’s like
to want to be something.
Something more than a nobody
or a girl simply to be used.
She wanted to reach out and trust but couldn’t
because her trust had been abused.
No one really cared
that she’d be there at their simple call.
No one really cared
that at night she’d go home and cry about it all.
Now you look at her name
engraved coldly in a grave stone.
And it’s too late, but you finally see
that all that time she’d been alone.
She made it her destructive purpose
to change in order to fit what everyone wanted her to be.
I won’t let it get it get that far,
I won’t let you change what makes me me.
[comments] => 8
[counter] => 237
[topic] => 36
[informant] => THEL0STDREAMER
[notes] =>
[ihome] => 0
[alanguage] => english
[acomm] => 0
[haspoll] => 0
[pollID] => 0
[score] => 4
[ratings] => 1
[editpoem] => 1
[associated] =>
[topicname] => Suicide
)
Suicidal Purpose
Contributed by
THEL0STDREAMER
on
Saturday, 12th November 2005 @ 11:50:14 AM in AEST
Topic:
Suicide
|
You look at me
with those dark and judging eyes.
But you don’t see much,
just all those horrid lies.
You’d never know
what really happened because you don’t even care.
You don’t know what you do,
but I’m telling you it’s there.
It's invisible and you don't realize it
until it's way too late.
I'm telling you right now
that simple thing is hate.
It breaks the hearts of many,
to be looked at as a nothing.
But you don’t know what it’s like
to want to be something.
Something more than a nobody
or a girl simply to be used.
She wanted to reach out and trust but couldn’t
because her trust had been abused.
No one really cared
that she’d be there at their simple call.
No one really cared
that at night she’d go home and cry about it all.
Now you look at her name
engraved coldly in a grave stone.
And it’s too late, but you finally see
that all that time she’d been alone.
She made it her destructive purpose
to change in order to fit what everyone wanted her to be.
I won’t let it get it get that far,
I won’t let you change what makes me me.
Copyright ©
THEL0STDREAMER
... [
2005-11-12 11:50:14]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Suicidal Purpose
(User Rating: 1 )
by JenJen on
Saturday, 12th November 2005 @ 01:06:02 PM AEST
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a Message)
|
yes you can write!! your writing amazes me it so good, too good! well done and keep it up!!
Luv
Jenni
xxxx |
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Re: Suicidal Purpose
(User Rating: 1 )
by grim6669 on
Saturday, 12th November 2005 @ 01:26:25 PM AEST
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a Message)
|
that's kinda the same with me when i read my poems in class,...the people don't clap but they ask me questions and think i'm suicidal...lol you can write.... you can write really really awsomely amazingly good.... yeah..... i love suicide and dark poetry for some reason.... and this was just awsome!!!!!.... it really reminds me of my own poetry... you should check them out sometime... well anyways, yours was awsome and good job... keep it up!!!
*~amber~* |
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Re: Suicidal Purpose
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 12th November 2005 @ 01:41:09 PM AEST
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a Message)
|
Your poem reads very crisply. Your thoughts are clear and unmuddled, your choice of words and phrases are accessible -- this is great for your readers. I'm drawn into your poem because I can figure out what you're saying, and what you're communicating. I'd keep that direct style, because that works very well for you.
That said, your poem is visually hard to read. Having the poem in one long stanza generally makes poems visually daunting, and less likely to be read. Your poem above has several spots where it could have been broken into stanzas ... I'd recommend breaking your poems up into "digestible parts" in the future.
Also, the rhymes need a bit less predictability and a bit more variety. "Everyone" rhymes late and hate, be and me, eyes and lies...If readers can figure out what a writer is going to say before he/she/ze says it, it makes for dull reading. For example, instead of rhyming "love" and "above" (which many have already done before), one could rhyme "love" and "shove," or rhyme love with near rhyming words like "cub" or "(rose) bud." It's not expected, and therefore less predictable, and therefore a more interesting read. For variety, two and three syllable words that rhyme multiple syllables is unexpected and interesting -- if you notice, many rap artists do creative rhyming with multisyllabic words on a regular basis. That's what makes their particular rhymes interesting for their listeners.
Lastly, I personally want to feel what a writer was feeling when he/she/ze wrote the poem, or be left with an emotion you want me to be left feeling after reading the poem. When writers write in second or third person, that usually doesn't give me-the-reader a connection to an emotion. For example, instead of telling me "You’d never know what really happened because you don’t even care," or "that simple thing is hate. It breaks the hearts of many," tell *me* what you think -- *I* don't have access to what the third person in the poem is actually feeling, but *I* could connect to you explaining to *me* why you think another person doesn't care, and how you feel about that lack of caring. In other words, more first person (I's and me's) in the poem, and less feeling-related terms and thoughts connected to "you's," "they's," "she's," and "he's."
I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. Again, I see a lot of ability in your clear and concise writing style; however, I would like to be able to "access" your unfiltered feelings -- without the second and third person emotional references. Also, helping me "access" your poetry with the visual aesthetic of smaller stanzas, as well as with the aesthetic of more multisyllabic and unpredictable rhymes, would help your poems to be more read and more applauded. |
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Re: Suicidal Purpose
(User Rating: 1 )
by Lessa on
Saturday, 12th November 2005 @ 04:46:45 PM AEST
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a Message)
|
| its a great poem, sad and haunting which happen to be my favorite kinda writes. People dont like to hear truth put in front of their face so bluntly, especially things like the fact that they are mean and hateful which genrally kids in school can be. This is great keep writeing and remember happy stuff is cool to, its a challange to write, but very cool |
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Re: Suicidal Purpose
(User Rating: 1 )
by flamingblade on
Saturday, 12th November 2005 @ 06:48:22 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
yea you can definetly write.
I know what you mean my classmates don't clap at my poetry either
theysay im suicidal everday
i really like suicidal and dark poetry too
it really draws me in i guess
this is really good
keep up the good work. |
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Re: Suicidal Purpose
(User Rating: 1 )
by spazie on
Sunday, 13th November 2005 @ 12:02:15 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
nicely done
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Re: Suicidal Purpose
(User Rating: 1 )
by sararose1950 on
Sunday, 13th November 2005 @ 12:58:39 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
| does not matter if anyone likes what you write- listen to those that know how poetry should be written- (not me by the way) is important that you express what you feel- and you do so very well- read a few of yours- very good. Being you is all that matters in life- you are the only one who can be the true you. |
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Re: Suicidal Purpose
(User Rating: 1 )
by His_Infernal_Majesty on
Sunday, 13th November 2005 @ 01:34:45 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
| Great poem, you can definatly write, you just got the same problem as me. The sucidal and dark peoms are disturbing to people who either are ignorant or dont want to face the facts that the world is a dark place. |
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