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Array
(
[sid] => 109216
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Downward (Dont worry i got back up)
[time] => 2005-11-07 00:58:34
[hometext] => I posted this months ago at a crap time where hardly anyone was online so it hardly got any reads or comments so Im re-submitting it hope u's dont mind.
[bodytext] => I was sitting down at school one day When some one told me I'd better come right away They said my older sister was crying uncontrollably I ran straight away to find her, I knew she needed me When I got to her, a circle of friends had gathered round What's the matter I asked, her friends said I'd better sit down Just tell me what's wrong, did somebody die Their looks said it all and before they told who it was I had already begun to cry No, no, no, this can't be right I saw him just the other night You must be mistaken, you have to be I love him, one day he would marry me Christian was amazing, he had a heart of pure gold, Of course I know now it was just a crush, but try telling me that at 13yrs old I thought my life was over, what was life when you'd lost your soulmate From that day on I called on death, begging it not to make me wait Although my life had been far from pleasant before This hit me harder than anything, I guess it was the last straw I wanted to end it all, but I couldn't because I felt guilty My sister was hurting too, I couldn't do it to her, it would've been selfish of me So I found other way's instead, to release a little pain I would take anything, to intoxicate and numb my brain I would get so desperate, there's was nothing I wouldn't do Once I resorted to sucking on gas from the outdoor BBQ Then oneday I discovered cutting, after sharpening a nail file The physical hurt blocked out the emotional pain, if only for a while It worked quite well at first, a couple here, a couple there But it got out of control, now I cant hide my scars and people stare If this were'nt enough, my self image was distorted So of course it wasn't long before I had an eating disorder It was'nt so much about being thin, but I'd set myself goals Lower and lower, everytime I reached them, I'd feel so in control And this whole time I just wanted them to notice me But mummy & daddy's addiction meant they couldn't see Why were'nt they there when I needed them the most Now its too late, Im dead inside, I walk the earth like a lonely ghost **I wrote this 4 years ago. A lot's changed since then, my mum and dad are clean and I have a good relationship with them. I haven't cut in over a year and a half and I rarely touch drugs. I still have down day's like anyone else but I'm stronger and I deal with loss and hurt better. [comments] => 3 [counter] => 209 [topic] => 65 [informant] => jilted [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 5 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => toughstuff )
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