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Array ( [sid] => 107156 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Darkness Consumes [time] => 2005-10-05 20:05:22 [hometext] => This is an experiment really. I just want some feed-back on this poem, because this poem is probably the hardest one I've ever written. So please critique. [bodytext] => Demented smiles haunt my dreams
Angry voices lower to any means
Raising in volume until I drown in the noise
Knowing I won't be able to embrace the joys
Now I see I'm making all the mistakes
Every time I have to live through the fakes
Saving my life, I give into the demand
Screams echo out an obnoxious command
Coldness seeps underneath my skin
Often I find myself crying within
Nothing can be released from their traps
Sometimes I feel myself ready to collapse
Using their powers the make me submit
Monsters they are, they’ll never quit
Easily keep you from the light
Sleeping softly you give into the night
[comments] => 4 [counter] => 186 [topic] => 61 [informant] => EverlastingDawn [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 25 [ratings] => 5 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => selfstruggles )

Darkness Consumes

Contributed by EverlastingDawn on Wednesday, 5th October 2005 @ 08:05:22 PM in AEST
Topic: selfstruggles

Demented smiles haunt my dreams
Angry voices lower to any means
Raising in volume until I drown in the noise
Knowing I won't be able to embrace the joys
Now I see I'm making all the mistakes
Every time I have to live through the fakes
Saving my life, I give into the demand
Screams echo out an obnoxious command
Coldness seeps underneath my skin
Often I find myself crying within
Nothing can be released from their traps
Sometimes I feel myself ready to collapse
Using their powers the make me submit
Monsters they are, they’ll never quit
Easily keep you from the light
Sleeping softly you give into the night

Copyright Â© EverlastingDawn ... [ 2005-10-05 20:05:22]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Darkness Consumes (User Rating: 1 )
by Fionndruinne on Wednesday, 5th October 2005 @ 10:12:36 PM AEST
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This is well worded. One thing I think you might try; the lines are a little longish. Methinks you focus on the theme of each line, so that every line says something somewhat complete. I've written like this as well, but I'm beginning to think poetry is better when the lines are structured not on theme but in pointing out the most powerful and important words. This would mean shorter lines, not necessarily a lot shorter, but structured so that the best words, that contribute the most to the piece, are the most prominent.

Keep writing!

Andrew

Re: Darkness Consumes (User Rating: 1 )
by OzChick on Wednesday, 5th October 2005 @ 10:29:42 PM AEST
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This is a good dark poem. You got the rhyme down pat, very tight. Some of the sentences seemed a bit long, as the rhythm stumbles a little. But over all, very good. Well done.

Re: Darkness Consumes (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Wednesday, 12th October 2005 @ 12:36:50 AM AEST
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Well, by no means am I in a position to give advice. I should be asking for your critique. I can only give my humble opinion and first that is the emotion was felt by me a lot from beginning to end. so; in other words it absolutely held my interest and flowed very well for me.

I can only say thank you for sharing and keep it up.

Take care,

Tim
:-)

Re: Darkness Consumes (User Rating: 1 )
by Wachumiri on Thursday, 27th October 2005 @ 07:15:55 AM AEST
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I wrote one like this. Well, kind of. The kind you don't think is done. It took me about a month. It was the hardest I've ever written, because I didn't want it to end the way it did. I wanted to feel good at the end, but it was sad. I'm commenting on my poem, not yours, obviously. Sorry. I really like it, you did a great job expressing your thoughts. I hope you were able to write down what you wanted to.
Take care.
David

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