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Array
(
[sid] => 106469
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => You
[time] => 2005-09-25 18:28:14
[hometext] => You'll never to the extent, how much I hate you.
[bodytext] => The door is shut and I lay awake, your not home yet, but I know it's coming. I fear the thought, can't stand the pain, night after night, just kill me now. You say you love me, you say you care, then why do you hurt me? Constantly hit me, and force yourself onto me. Why can't you listen to me? I said I wasn't ready, I said give it time, but you couldn't do that, and in the midst of getting what you want, you shattered my life, laughing the entire time. I always sat awake, I could never sleep, too scared you'd hit me to wake me up, and do as you please. I hate having to be like I am, scared, untrusting, cautious, and all because of you. I couldn't talk to anyone, you kept me isolated, watched me with my friends, followed me everywhere, I couldn't be alone, even though I was. You thought it was ok, said it was my fault, and I guess, it kind of was, but what could I do? The one time I tryed to stop you, I still hold scars from that day, you made me so scared, so helpless, which I'm sure, were your intentions, making it so, you controlled me, and no one knew what was going on, because you made it all seem perfect, the perfect couple, the perfect relationship, bragging to your friends about the perfect nights. Before you I was strong, and now, I'm always going through something, haunted by the memories, I can't put behind me, the memories you brought back to me from my past, the pain you caused me, you ***** my entire life over. And you don't even care. You had no sense of human emotion, you didn't care that constantly you hurt me, left bruises, I was suppose to be able to trust you. Go to you when someone hurt me, instead you took that role, I wish you knew how I feel, what I go through, everyday because of what you did, and what you brought up for me again. I remember the nights, hearing your car pull up, just wishing, that you'd kill me, so I wouldn't have to go through it again. So I wouldnt have to see your face, or have you touch me, you drove me to the point, where I tryed killing myself, and unfortunatly didn't succeed, and had to come back to you, I remember how angry you were, the look in your eyes, tryed to run away, but there really was no use. I lied protecting you when the question came up; "Does your boyfriend hit you? Has he ever caused you harm in any form?" "No" So stupid and young, I thought you loved me, deep within you, I thought you loved me, and thought it was all my fault, my fault for the bruises, the cuts, the pain, those nights, everything, maybe it was, maybe I did something. Something to make you hate me to the point, you'd do what you did, and say what you said. You weren't who I thought you were, you changed me, and everyday, I relive those 3 years, and the horrible memories they contain. I hate you. [comments] => 2 [counter] => 264 [topic] => 61 [informant] => autumn_zephyr [notes] => Edit Made as Requested in Forums by Moderator_15 [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 5 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => selfstruggles )
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