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Array ( [sid] => 104633 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Poetry [time] => 2005-08-29 19:26:21 [hometext] => Work for school... I am going to read this on stage to the entire school, so i definately need critique! not finished... just need to know if im going in the right direction. thanks. [bodytext] => I rip all of my emotions
From the abysmal depths
Of my empty, hollowed chest.
Dripping with feelings and thoughts,
They’re packaged and sold
For the pleasure and amusement,
Of society’s unsatiable desires.
[comments] => 4 [counter] => 196 [topic] => 13 [informant] => ColaAlone [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 4 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => DarkPoetry )

Poetry

Contributed by ColaAlone on Monday, 29th August 2005 @ 07:26:21 PM in AEST
Topic: DarkPoetry

I rip all of my emotions
From the abysmal depths
Of my empty, hollowed chest.
Dripping with feelings and thoughts,
They’re packaged and sold
For the pleasure and amusement,
Of society’s unsatiable desires.

Copyright Â© ColaAlone ... [ 2005-08-29 19:26:21]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Poetry (User Rating: 1 )
by forsaken_soul33 on Monday, 29th August 2005 @ 07:47:29 PM AEST
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hmmm. you're off to a great start. I'll get back to you if I can think off anything.

bye,
☺Mando☺

Re: Poetry (User Rating: 1 )
by emokid on Monday, 29th August 2005 @ 10:20:33 PM AEST
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great start but you need to explain more of how it effects you

Ian the emokid

Re: Poetry (User Rating: 1 )
by MorningDove on Monday, 29th August 2005 @ 11:48:08 PM AEST
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So far, I like it and think you are doing well. The word should be insatiable not unsatiable. Good work. Be sure to repost it in its completeness so we can read it.

Smiles,
Rita

Re: Poetry (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Tuesday, 30th August 2005 @ 05:54:23 PM AEST
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I rip all of my emotions
From the abysmal depths
Of my empty, hollowed chest.

OK. Empty and hollowed are just about the same thing. Use another descriptor that shows something different about the way that you feel about your 'abysmal depths'. Perhaps by using some kind of temperature, you can further this notion.

Dripping with feelings and thoughts,
They’re packaged and sold

Hmn. This is quite nonsensical, since 'feelings' mean the same things as 'emotions'. Emotions dripping with feelings? No chance. Try making the emotions more specific, relating them to dripping, like sadness, which is ultimately related to 'emptiness' in this poem. Anyway - you couldn't really say that your experience of happiness created a vacuum within yourself, could you? Could anyone?

For the pleasure and amusement,
Of society’s unsatiable desires.

Right. For the more academic english students at your school, they may well find this ironic, since the poem itself is a parody of poetry, and doesn't really make any sense to begin with. I expect its too generic an idea for a school pupil to contend with, and you really need a specific idea to work out concrete metaphors and imagery in order to make yourself (and your poem) vivid and memorable onstage.

I've been on stage, performed in front of people - trust me, If you can be remembered for nothing else than what you really wanted to say, then you will have succeeded.

Anything else is misery.

N_F

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