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Array ( [sid] => 104040 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Failure of my own sucess [time] => 2005-08-20 23:43:30 [hometext] => Feedback is appreciated ;) [bodytext] => i find each day too short, and my thoughts too long
as im riding a road that im already lost along
fallen out of my shadow, now im in open fire being fired apon
my cards have fallen from my grasp i have nothing to play
i feel entraped to my own life, im stuck in this phase
looking for a way to triumpth away from this mindstate
im seeking the silence as a blindman in the dark
looking for my self by finding the sound of my own heart
nothing is heard, i have walked and walked so far
wondering is my pulse idle, have i reached the road to death
its obvious now, i have reached the failure of my own sucess [comments] => 7 [counter] => 203 [topic] => 48 [informant] => Kingsman [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 8 [ratings] => 2 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => EmotionalPoetry )

Failure of my own sucess

Contributed by Kingsman on Saturday, 20th August 2005 @ 11:43:30 PM in AEST
Topic: EmotionalPoetry

i find each day too short, and my thoughts too long
as im riding a road that im already lost along
fallen out of my shadow, now im in open fire being fired apon
my cards have fallen from my grasp i have nothing to play
i feel entraped to my own life, im stuck in this phase
looking for a way to triumpth away from this mindstate
im seeking the silence as a blindman in the dark
looking for my self by finding the sound of my own heart
nothing is heard, i have walked and walked so far
wondering is my pulse idle, have i reached the road to death
its obvious now, i have reached the failure of my own sucess

Copyright © Kingsman ... [ 2005-08-20 23:43:30]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Failure of my own sucess (User Rating: 1 )
by MorningDove on Sunday, 21st August 2005 @ 12:12:23 AM AEST
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The poem is pretty good, but I is ALWAYS capitalized. Im is ALWAYS I'm or I am. Your punctuation is near non-existent. Myself is one word. Triumph is misspelled. Entrapped is misspelled.

BUT, I must say to you that I too felt a failure in my career at times. Everyone in a high stress position does.

Fix your poem and repost it. Bet you will get better comment.

Smiles,
Rita

Re: Failure of my own sucess (User Rating: 1 )
by MissMandy on Sunday, 21st August 2005 @ 01:33:58 AM AEST
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k first, morningdove, lay off!!! Great write, Kingsman, and forget punctuation, who cares?? You have a lot of feeling in this poem, keep writing, and in you're own style. :D

Re: Failure of my own sucess (User Rating: 1 )
by SocialMisfit on Sunday, 21st August 2005 @ 01:41:31 AM AEST
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i agree with rita, evin tho i myself am not known for my best spelling or punctuation, but it will help the flow of the poem and sound alot better to the reader if written correctly. anyhow this poem it self is really good. keep it up

SM

Re: Failure of my own sucess (User Rating: 1 )
by Kingsman on Sunday, 21st August 2005 @ 02:05:03 AM AEST
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Thanks for all the crits and comments ;)

Re: Failure of my own sucess (User Rating: 1 )
by Sagess on Sunday, 21st August 2005 @ 02:55:58 AM AEST
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Only thing that jumped out at me was "apon". I think you mean "upon", right?

Interesting thought....failure of my own success. I like how that's the last thing you read. Makes you stop and think a bit.

Re: Failure of my own sucess (User Rating: 1 )
by Kingsman on Sunday, 21st August 2005 @ 12:11:39 PM AEST
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Thanks ;)

Re: Failure of my own sucess (User Rating: 1 )
by Kingsman on Tuesday, 23rd August 2005 @ 12:15:13 AM AEST
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