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Array
(
[sid] => 101223
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => With a Lack of Hope
[time] => 2005-07-14 21:41:14
[hometext] => * Wow I haven't written in like over a month. I finished this yesterday and the title just came to me a few minutes ago. I hope you like this please give feedback as i don't usually use much punctuation. Thanks. *
[bodytext] => Pawing through the remains of my life
nothing can be salvaged from the ashes.
I am blind, for these eyes no longer see
though they still shed tears
through my glassy stare.
Falling with the leaves of nothingness
weeping, tenderly, with a dying note of despair
for this fear has lasted forever
along with this sense of incompleteness.
Just aching to go Home,
longing to touch the stars
and fly freely with them.
Lost and stranded in an empty wasteland
abandoned in this empty Void
filled with nothingness
except bleeding wrists and tired faces.
I am carried by this dry, suffocating wind
that blows away these few ashes.
[comments] => 13
[counter] => 297
[topic] => 48
[informant] => bobotheclown
[notes] =>
[ihome] => 0
[alanguage] => english
[acomm] => 0
[haspoll] => 0
[pollID] => 0
[score] => 18
[ratings] => 4
[editpoem] => 1
[associated] =>
[topicname] => EmotionalPoetry
)
With a Lack of Hope
Contributed by
bobotheclown
on
Thursday, 14th July 2005 @ 09:41:14 PM in AEST
Topic:
EmotionalPoetry
|
Pawing through the remains of my life
nothing can be salvaged from the ashes.
I am blind, for these eyes no longer see
though they still shed tears
through my glassy stare.
Falling with the leaves of nothingness
weeping, tenderly, with a dying note of despair
for this fear has lasted forever
along with this sense of incompleteness.
Just aching to go Home,
longing to touch the stars
and fly freely with them.
Lost and stranded in an empty wasteland
abandoned in this empty Void
filled with nothingness
except bleeding wrists and tired faces.
I am carried by this dry, suffocating wind
that blows away these few ashes.
Copyright ©
bobotheclown
... [
2005-07-14 21:41:14]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: With a Lack of Hope
(User Rating: 1 )
by shelby on
Thursday, 14th July 2005 @ 09:55:56 PM AEST
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I love the way this just flowed one thought into the next it was all wonderful the ending was haunting well done glad to see you back again been awhile
hugs
Michelle |
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Re: With a Lack of Hope
(User Rating: 1 )
by Jenni_K on
Thursday, 14th July 2005 @ 10:26:58 PM AEST
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Wow Joel!! This was certainly worth the wait!
Written with such passion....
Hugs
Jenni
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Re: With a Lack of Hope
(User Rating: 1 )
by Wannabe on
Thursday, 14th July 2005 @ 10:43:19 PM AEST
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| I like your poem. As for the punctuation, I don't think you needed quite so many commas. Take out the comma after "weeping" and after "dry" and the poem flows a bit more smoothly. Of course when reading poetry like this it is customary to pause at the end of each line which pretty much guarentees a comma or period. I don't always put them in either though because I feel that they clutter up the page. |
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Re: With a Lack of Hope
(User Rating: 1 )
by xxbreathlessx on
Thursday, 14th July 2005 @ 10:54:08 PM AEST
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| i thought this was "beautifully sad", the poem itself seems so delicate and i really liked the imagery. great job. |
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Re: With a Lack of Hope
(User Rating: 1 )
by Arden on
Thursday, 14th July 2005 @ 10:54:54 PM AEST
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|
I agree with Wannabe. One to many commas in the write. The wording was rather simply as was your imagery. Maybe be a bit more abstract? But that’s just my opinion.
The poem wasn’t bad, good use of emotion.
3/5
-Arden |
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Re: With a Lack of Hope
(User Rating: 1 )
by waos on
Thursday, 14th July 2005 @ 11:28:16 PM AEST
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Well Joel I must say I could envision myself in that poem, especially
in that second stanza. The smallness of myself in a field, looking up
to the sky and begging God to take me to Heaven without me having
to make it happen. You really captured the feeling in this poem I'd
say. I also like how the 1st 2 lines and last 2 go together as they
do. I'm glad I ran into this right away. Hope you are well.
~Kara |
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Re: With a Lack of Hope
(User Rating: 1 )
by Vampirequeen on
Friday, 15th July 2005 @ 02:21:49 AM AEST
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i thought this write was quite good.
you did good. |
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Re: With a Lack of Hope
(User Rating: 1 )
by blowfish_jane on
Friday, 15th July 2005 @ 08:11:45 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Punctuation or not, this was one heck of a poem Joel. Your imagery has always been brilliant. The darker you go the better it gets. This was no exception, it was good from start to finish.
Will go back and read it again and again. Amazing work as always.
Jane xxx |
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Re: With a Lack of Hope
(User Rating: 1 )
by vibes2go on
Friday, 15th July 2005 @ 05:51:17 PM AEST
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a Message)
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I feel dispair .. good write. My title would have been
with words of ash .. or A Taste of Ash .. but then that's why we're all unique .. I liked it.
mary |
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Re: With a Lack of Hope
(User Rating: 1 )
by justapoet on
Tuesday, 19th July 2005 @ 05:47:04 AM AEST
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You have the ability to write anything and still compel and amaze me. No matter what the theme, no matter how puncuated it is, everything you write flows freely from one word to the next.
- Stacey [mizcrazybobo] |
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Re: With a Lack of Hope
(User Rating: 1 )
by FleurdeSang on
Sunday, 24th July 2005 @ 07:07:26 PM AEST
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Hmmmmm... Interesting, dripping with sorrow and heart-wrenching emotion... but it's missing something, cheri... And I can't quite put my finger on it... It just doesn't FEEL like your usual work... it seems incomplete... And I hate to say things other than "This is perfect" because you usually create works of perfection. Don't get me wrong, it's breath-taking and beautiful... but it's missing your ESSENCE. A great piece for one who hasn't written in over a month, congratz on breaking the Block, my dear! I enjoyed this piece very much, but like I said, it's missing something. Other than that mysterious "something", this was fantastic! I really hope you will write again, cheri, because I love to read your work!! Sending you lots of hugs, inspiration, kissies, and hope... for hope is eternal, my friend. I'm here whenever you need me, ok? All my love. Forever,
Your dear friend/little flower,
~*Stephy*~ |
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Re: With a Lack of Hope
(User Rating: 1 )
by SensitiveSoAbused on
Monday, 25th July 2005 @ 07:56:43 PM AEST
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TWELVE COMMENTS ON THIS ONE!!!
DID YOU KNOW YOU HAVE AN AVERAGE OF NINE COMMENTS PER POEM????
OMG!!!!!
I'M SH|TTING MYSELF!!
anyway... that was a nice little poem... certainly makes me sad.. i would think that wearing white and black and those fuzzy sideburns of yours kicking peoples asses cuz I'm Rick James, B|TCH! mad chapters security monster i would think you would be twinkling in a myriad of delightful giggles and pleasured strokings...
but a very painful poem.
i like the line
Lost and stranded in an empty wasteland
abandoned in this empty Void
It reminds me of my Scar Design notes... and the VOID carved into my forearm....
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Re: With a Lack of Hope
(User Rating: 1 )
by venkat on
Tuesday, 26th July 2005 @ 05:22:55 AM AEST
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A marvellous longing to touch the stars and fly freely with them in order to reach the home from where our souls descended down to earth..so true this is not our home.
Great write with such a excellent emotional feeling. I truly enjoyed this wonderful write.
sincerely..venkat |
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