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Array ( [sid] => 100359 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => The Ocean [time] => 2005-07-06 20:10:04 [hometext] => have personification in this poem. =) hope you guys like it. i dont know if the ending sounds empty...like it needs something more, please comment. [bodytext] => I want to get lost in your watery caress
That make my nerves dance.
I want to get lost in your
Tropical breath
That heats the back of my neck
As I sway my body to your
Sweet sounding voice.
So deceivingly pleasant you look
As the moon angles your waves so that
The gold shimmers in its light
Illuminates your beauty..
Or how the white puffs
of forgotten dreams crowd above your presence.
Your rush of madness is disturbingly beautiful
And the peace you project is electrifying.
I melt at the sound of your waves.
[comments] => 4 [counter] => 190 [topic] => 27 [informant] => xxbreathlessx [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 12 [ratings] => 3 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => NaturePoetry )

The Ocean

Contributed by xxbreathlessx on Wednesday, 6th July 2005 @ 08:10:04 PM in AEST
Topic: NaturePoetry

I want to get lost in your watery caress
That make my nerves dance.
I want to get lost in your
Tropical breath
That heats the back of my neck
As I sway my body to your
Sweet sounding voice.
So deceivingly pleasant you look
As the moon angles your waves so that
The gold shimmers in its light
Illuminates your beauty..
Or how the white puffs
of forgotten dreams crowd above your presence.
Your rush of madness is disturbingly beautiful
And the peace you project is electrifying.
I melt at the sound of your waves.

Copyright © xxbreathlessx ... [ 2005-07-06 20:10:04]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: The Ocean (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Wednesday, 6th July 2005 @ 10:53:30 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

Thought provoking write I like
Your writing skills I see
blossoming more with each
write very good job buddy

Re: The Ocean (User Rating: 1 )
by Fionndruinne on Wednesday, 6th July 2005 @ 11:16:26 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

Hmm... perhaps it enters into your feelings too quickly? It might have more strength if you described a little of the setting before (maybe not necessarily before, but separate from) your own feelings come in. That do be all the critique I can come up with. Good work! Do keep it up.

Andrew

Re: The Ocean (User Rating: 1 )
by Man_On_High on Thursday, 7th July 2005 @ 08:42:34 AM AEST
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Any more imagery and I think this poem would manifest itself into an actual picture!.. lol
what an amazing and beautiful visual..

as far as the ending-
it's problematic, I think, to have so much description stop short-
wind down maybe, with a nice soft stanza
of a literal component-
(just a thought)

I loved it just the same!

B

Re: The Ocean (User Rating: 1 )
by jyssvw22 on Thursday, 7th July 2005 @ 11:02:25 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

this was very well done

i dont think it is missing anything

nice job

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