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Array ( [sid] => 8938 [catid] => 1 [aid] => Mick [title] => Shame [time] => 2002-12-20 16:00:00 [hometext] => My first poem... ever excepting a couple in elementary school. Please be cruelly honest I need constructive criticism. I kind of feel it is too long. [bodytext] => Darkness falls and in I creep,
Fade away, fade away.
While she’s in a breathless sleep.
Fade away, fade away.
Shaking from pure desire,
Fade away, fade away.
Hoping she knows not of what conspires.
Fade away, fade away.
Upon completion do I note,
Fade away, fade away.
The panic look she does tout.
Fade away, fade away.
Quickly hiding from her sight,
Fade away, fade away.
Hoping she dreamed the awful fright.
Fade away, fade away.
Let her please just forget,
Fade away, fade away.
This horrid did she did permit?
Fade away, fade away.
Now she’s cursed with sleepless nights,
Fade away, fade away.
As long as I am in her sight.
Fade away, fade away.
I know never to repeat this passion,
Fade away, fade away.
But how do I explain my action.
Fade away, fade away.
Innocence I wrongly took,
Fade away, fade away.
I must give back as if mistook?
Fade away, fade away.
Endless tears can shroud my face,
Fade away, fade away.
But this is my one true mistake.
Fade away, fade away.
Guilt stricken, pain ridden, I feel these words,
Fade away, fade away.
But would I if she had slept untoward?
Fade away, fade away.
But this, but that, all are just regrets,
Fade away, fade away.
It pains me to she her so upset.
Fade away, fade away.
[comments] => 2 [counter] => 161 [topic] => 13 [informant] => notsocallous [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 3 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => DarkPoetry )

Shame

Contributed by notsocallous on Friday, 20th December 2002 @ 04:00:00 PM in AEST
Topic: DarkPoetry

Darkness falls and in I creep,
Fade away, fade away.
While she’s in a breathless sleep.
Fade away, fade away.
Shaking from pure desire,
Fade away, fade away.
Hoping she knows not of what conspires.
Fade away, fade away.
Upon completion do I note,
Fade away, fade away.
The panic look she does tout.
Fade away, fade away.
Quickly hiding from her sight,
Fade away, fade away.
Hoping she dreamed the awful fright.
Fade away, fade away.
Let her please just forget,
Fade away, fade away.
This horrid did she did permit?
Fade away, fade away.
Now she’s cursed with sleepless nights,
Fade away, fade away.
As long as I am in her sight.
Fade away, fade away.
I know never to repeat this passion,
Fade away, fade away.
But how do I explain my action.
Fade away, fade away.
Innocence I wrongly took,
Fade away, fade away.
I must give back as if mistook?
Fade away, fade away.
Endless tears can shroud my face,
Fade away, fade away.
But this is my one true mistake.
Fade away, fade away.
Guilt stricken, pain ridden, I feel these words,
Fade away, fade away.
But would I if she had slept untoward?
Fade away, fade away.
But this, but that, all are just regrets,
Fade away, fade away.
It pains me to she her so upset.
Fade away, fade away.

Copyright Â© notsocallous ... [ 2002-12-20 16:00:00]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Shame (User Rating: 1 )
by ScottOne on Friday, 20th December 2002 @ 07:03:21 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

My first comment is about the interlaced "Fade away, fade away".
I read four lines with the "Fade away"s and decided that if I really
wanted to know what was being said, I had better filter them out.
So I started over and reread the poem without the interlaced lines.
When I reached the end I remembered them again and read one
to find out what that "background" message was. If that's the
affect you wanted, you got it!

My second comment is that there appear to be a few typos.

Isn't "This horrid did she did permit?"
suppose to be "This horrid deed she did permit?"

Isn't "It pains me to she her so upset."
suppose to be "It pains me to see her so upset."

Thanks for the rhyming but there are a couple of times when
it made the direction that you were try to take unclear to me.
"I must give back as if mistook?" and
"But would I if she had slept untoward? "

Also thanks for the rythm, but here's a case where it the extra
word to keep the beat was too evident for my tastes:
"The panic look she does tout."

One of the strong elements of your poem is the time line as
the villian transitions from planning, to commission, to
recognition, to regret and such. At the beginning of the poem,
it's the spine that keeps it together - towards the end it gets
a little vague - not the fade away I think you were aiming for.

Overall pretty good I think.
Congratulations.

Re: Shame (User Rating: 1 )
by notsocallous on Saturday, 21st December 2002 @ 05:08:31 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

Thanks, I really needed that. I was half asleep when I wrote this and needed a second eye.

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