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Array
(
[sid] => 69950
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => the other side of july
[time] => 2004-11-03 09:00:40
[hometext] => him. thats all i can think about. thats all i LET myself think about...he doesnt let me be anything but his bride... im loosing my mind
[bodytext] => it came to me in a dream last night i was standing on the stairs completely exposed and you were smiling down at me you said it made you like me more it made you want me more it made you love me more then i awoke with the sun in my face like so many peices of glass and there was blood in my eyes and the sheets were tangled and suddenly i knew i had reached the other side of July i missed you months ago when i was happy and the air was cold and everything was perfect in the imperfect sorta way and id see you on the streets corners and in cataloges and i always wondered how you managed to be happy despite what i did to you and how is it that i ended up in the emergency room and you you walked away free? It still kills me to think of little boys on bicycles riding across the sky like they have nothing to loose it still kills me to remember the clock hit 11.11 And i wished not to miss you but of course my wish did not come true five seconds after i pushed you to the ground i was begging you to love me again its not like we get a million second chances but none of the matters anymore i saw this guy walk by in a bright orange tee shirt and i thought it read “everything she said was beautiful” and i knew for one perfect moment of clarity that all i ever wanted was to be your muse and your whore all i ever wanted was for you to worship me and destroy me and tie me down but don’t leave me here im waking up on the smudged horizon im waiting for another tragedy im trying to understand why the very things that destroy me also thrill me completely my poetry is weak and flailing im trying to carve our history into my bones im trying to explain that you cant leave me hear and i cant leave you either and basically we are stuck together even if we never see each other again because morning is morning and midnight is pure and my memoriesare painful and you were all i ever wanted then. What does it mean to move on to be free? What does it mean to forget you? I write all these letter and i burn them in pretty flames and i imagine that means im beyond yoi imagaine that means I’ve forgotten you but if i had i would not have known who to address the letters to im a failure in every sense of the word buts that only because i survived you and the water is perfect now the water is clear and im wishing for a moment that it was still stained with you you had the power to bring me to my knees or into your dreams and i don’t think i could ever forget the way it felt to be known by you but in the meantime the in between time what am i supposed to do? It’s the other side of July and the angels have died and the phone is off the hook im waiting for the sound of footsteps the never come im dreaming of a reality that never arrives on my door step but you know i don’t even want that anymore all i want is to know the password the code the potion the equation that perfect little line of numbers that will tell me efficently how to indulgde in you safely because i think we’ve established that i cannot erase you let alone destroy you god sometimes i hate you bhit at the same time i miss you we’ve been over this before the animal kingdom hovers near as i attempt to explain what this means to me and it breaks my heart to know that she will never get what she wanted and all that blood was shed in vain it rips me apart to knw that our slippery dimensions of yesterday is just out of reach teach me how to live with this becuase im finding myself on the other side of July more frequently these days im feeling like persephone and im feeling like eve and im beginning to belive that im not predispositioned to need you its just that I’ve been convinced that you are equal to oxygen July is only 31 days a year and that leaves a lot of time left to be lived theres no way im going under becuase of this all i want to is can we take this slow and could i find a way to come inside because i still think you’re smart and i still think you know what i know and if preception is reality and all that jazz then could we make it to that sunset place where conversation flows and music plays inexplicably in the background? It came to me in a dream fierce and pure and sharp and youy were there with that little smirk of yours and everything was perfect but i was fast asleep of course and now i only know that things are better when they’re real and i think im ready to embrace i think im finally ready to face i think its time to recreate the other side of july. [comments] => 1 [counter] => 160 [topic] => 60 [informant] => i_have_no_name [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => insomniac )
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