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Array ( [sid] => 60704 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => his eyes are a thousand lbs. [time] => 2004-08-19 14:18:09 [hometext] => please tell me what you think this means, anything would be helpful, no matter how silly. i really need honest critiques. tell me what doesn't fit. what could make it sound better. any help would be much appreciated. [bodytext] => i look at myself,
sitting in my bed.
back against the headboard;
looking for the sky.
i see my cheeks are moist,
but can only wonder why.

i hug that boy,
that's alone in his bed,
and crawl beneath the sheets.

so many thoughts,
flash through his head,
you can see them through his eyes.

he scans the room,
as if he might find
his heart right there on the floor.

And his thousand-pound eyes,
return to the sky.
He never wipes his face.

And i look to him and say, "Let's

forget that she is gone.
" then i switch off the lamp.

[comments] => 6 [counter] => 149 [topic] => 43 [informant] => Gabriel [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 9 [ratings] => 2 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => oops )

his eyes are a thousand lbs.

Contributed by Gabriel on Thursday, 19th August 2004 @ 02:18:09 PM in AEST
Topic: oops

i look at myself,
sitting in my bed.
back against the headboard;
looking for the sky.
i see my cheeks are moist,
but can only wonder why.

i hug that boy,
that's alone in his bed,
and crawl beneath the sheets.

so many thoughts,
flash through his head,
you can see them through his eyes.

he scans the room,
as if he might find
his heart right there on the floor.

And his thousand-pound eyes,
return to the sky.
He never wipes his face.

And i look to him and say, "Let's

forget that she is gone.
" then i switch off the lamp.

Copyright © Gabriel ... [ 2004-08-19 14:18:09]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: his eyes are a thousand lbs. (User Rating: 1 )
by Alina on Thursday, 19th August 2004 @ 02:28:52 PM AEST
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This poem is perfect!! You wrote it well. To me the meaning of the words " His Eyse Are a Thousand lbs." means that in his eyes you can see all the pain and sadness and it is so much ( a thousdand pounds).
Keep Up the Good Work!!
ALINA

Re: his eyes are a thousand lbs. (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Thursday, 19th August 2004 @ 02:40:21 PM AEST
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I agre, it is graet the way it is!
You have captured the feeling of pain and loss quite well.
Great job!

Re: his eyes are a thousand lbs. (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Thursday, 19th August 2004 @ 04:26:49 PM AEST
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Eyes being 'heavy with thought'? Hmn. Heavy with tears? Heavy lidded?

The metaphoric weight you lift 'by looking to the sky' is written well, although not that obviously. It took me a couple of reads (of others' comments, too) to evaluate this sentiment.

Perhaps you could have transferred the weight onto the thoughts instead? Just an idea - you could try that out in another poem.

Well done, and keep writing.

Re: his eyes are a thousand lbs. (User Rating: 1 )
by Willofree on Thursday, 19th August 2004 @ 04:37:44 PM AEST
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Poem protrays a powerful image. She (or yourself) and the boy are experiencing a lot of pain, which seems held in. The eyes are searching, but "she is gone." Is your intent to keep who is gone unidentified? Good poem!

I am a beginner at this. I wonder if I could get some feedback on a poem called LAMENT which I submitted 8/17. Thank you.
Willofree

Re: his eyes are a thousand lbs. (User Rating: 1 )
by Willofree on Thursday, 19th August 2004 @ 04:39:28 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

Poem protrays a powerful image. She (or yourself) and the boy are experiencing a lot of pain, which seems held in. The eyes are searching, but "she is gone." Is your intent to keep who is gone unidentified? Good poem!

I am a beginner at this. I wonder if I could get some feedback on a poem called LAMENT which I submitted 8/17. Thank you.
Willofree

Re: his eyes are a thousand lbs. (User Rating: 1 )
by Nazmythian on Monday, 30th August 2004 @ 03:58:46 PM AEST
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This to me, is an introspective piece ... a talk with your inner child, so to speak. I get the image of a young adult lamenting over the loss of his mother, (some years ago) attempting to cope with that loss.

I dunno, that is how I read it. I like it and think it is well written. 5/5

Nazmythian ~

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